APT Manila.

Had my mate Ali Khalil staying at my place this week which was a bit of a change to my lonely, hermit lifestyle. Woke up a few times to find him staring at me whilst I slept. Can’t really blame him, I sleep in an idyllic, angelic fashion with the aid of Ambien. Only thing that annoys me is he insists on walking around the apartment nekkid, which is quite frustrating, as its very much “look, but don’t touch”. My maid loves him though, she thinks he’s funny. She’s the only one.

We mosey’ed on over to Dusit to play the APT 1 mil guar today. Somehow they managed to get over 300 players, so the overlay wasn’t as huge as I thought it would be. The hotel is about 3 minutes away. We got there in 30 minutes.

AsianLogic put on a pretty good show, all things considered. The dealers I had weren’t great, but few dealers are these days, except for some of the Crown dealers in Melbourne who are world class.

4th hand or something UTG young kid opens. A crazy Korean guy I’ve played with many times 3bets from MP. I wake up with KK on Button and probably should have 4bet but I’ve played with this Korean guy a lot and he’s a maniac but he’s not dumb. He doesn’t go too crazy OOP, but he’s willing to stack off with bottom pair postflop if he thinks you’re bullying him. He pays me off on a lot of boards but he’s pretty tight to preflop 3bet/4bet aggression (unless he’s in position, then he’s a little crazy), so I just called pre. UTG got out of the way.

He flopped a set with 77 but I got off pretty cheaply when 4th club hit on river (I had no club ofc). I still lost half my stack, but against this guy, without turn/river clubs I’d be walking and correct to do so.

I had about 10 pairs in first 3 hours but didn’t hit a set. I won most of my money back from my Korean friend when I bluffed him off a K-high board and he made a crying fold, probably with Ahigh. But maybe I’m giving him too much credit there.

I then played a hand pretty badly against John Dellasandri, a nice Australian guy who’s been around a long time but plays fairly tight I *think* (I haven’t played with him a great deal and my memory sucks for live hands). I limped KQs in EP and he raised, I called. Flop K-7-6, he bet like 30% cbet which stopped me from raising. Turn 7, he fires halfpot, I think about folding but the only hand I really fear at this point is AK so I call. River 9, he quickly fires halfpot again, and I quickly call off as I figure his range is so polarised here, I can’t even see him playing AK that way. He has KK for nutz and I remember I suck at poker.

Next hand I get my stack in on the flop with flush draw and quickly called by my Korean friend with TP2K. Blank blank, relatively painless day as far as tourneys go, barely lasted 2 hrs.

Have %’s in a couple players who are doing well, including 20% of Ali who somehow got his opponent to put in 15,000 with TT on 2-3-5-A turn when Ali had 55. wtf.

One time Ali win ffs.

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PokerCrack.com Launch freeroll - win shares in greyhound puppy awesomeness

Still recovering from my little flirtation with bird flu. It looks like I might live now. APT Manila has now started and it looks like it might actually be a huge tourney, which sucks as I was expecting huge overlay on the 1mil guarantee.

Been playing a surprising amount of live poker lately and its not so retarded as I have previously thought. Shorthanded live poker is quite fun, except these stupid fish don’t give me credit when I 5bet T9 and ofc I can never win that race vs QQ. Fags.

www.pokercrack.com is bustling and I’m already starting some fights which is fun. I also have a journal on there which is possibly awesome - I rant about all the things in the world that are retarded, which is pretty much like everything and everyone.

We’ve hard-launched PokerCrack forum this week with an awesome freeroll where Roy and Vos are giving away shares in a little greyhound puppy they’re buying for $3-4000 (plus 1-2k rearing fees). They’re naming it PokerCrack and its probably going to be the greatest little racer in greyhound history.

With the help of my mate Jimmy in Brisbane, I bought my own little puppy last week and its totally adorable. It cost me $2000 and his parents are Bond and Emma Quicksilver, so its a well-bred little champion in the making. It’s only a few days old, but here are some pics of the little fella. I think I love him, like if something happened to him, I think I would cry…

Anyway, to enter the freeroll to win a share of Mark Vos’ and Roy’s little racer puppy, follow these steps:

1. Download and try out LuckyAcePoker (888 network) by clicking on the banner below:

2. Make a deposit and play a little bit of poker. Earn 50 Comp Points (can check your comp point status in Cashier - 50 points is just minutes of play I think).

3. Register for the freeroll which will be visible in the Multi-Table Tournaments lobby in a couple days.

4. The freeroll will begin on June 8 at 8pm AEST (god knows what time that is where you live, but shouldn’t be too hard to work out).

We expect only 30 runners or so for the freeroll and Vos/Roy are giving away 20-50% of the puppy or something for the winner/s. More details on PokerCrack forum in this thread.

The little champion’s progress will be blogged heavily and the winner of the freeroll will be an official part-owner of any and all profits the little fella makes in his racing/breeding career….

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back in the game.

Sick of working, I decided to throw the remainder of my Betfair balance onto the Champions League Final tonight.

I thought the line was way long on ManU, but I don’t know shit about soccer, except that Torres is pure sex and Ronaldo is a raging homosecksual.

As I hate both ManU and Chelsea equally, and knowing that soccer is a retarded, boring game, I thought putting 8k on the draw was a good idea at 3.05 for 16k score. This was a little too baller for me, so I decided to lay off a bit on a 90min result FTW.

As Torres and Liverpool were robbed by Chelsea in the semi’s, I thought it would be fair and just if ManU could hand them a drubbing tonight. My one concern was the idiot Ronaldo, who is basically a prancing sissy who goes missing in big games.

FA footballer of the year, voted 3rd best player in the world, $20 million contract, sleeps with supermodels, but tucks his shirt into his jeans to show off his belt buckle. Tool.

I layed Chelsea for 2k at 3.15 for 6300 punishment if they got up. I also put a little over 1k on the draw at 3.05. I lose around 8k if Chelsea in front at end of normal time. Obviously, an early Chelsea goal would suck.

Thankfully, the idiot retard scored early, which put me in front nicely.

I was furious when ManU missed two easy chances to lock up my low, and when Chelsea scored to tie it up in the 45th minute, I thought I was getting scooped for sure.

It turned out to be the best result, despite freaky genius Drogba’s best efforts to ruin my night with a ridiculous attempt which hit the post. 1-1 draw. shipp 5k ding…

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working under serious duress.

So I’ve been working insanely hard on various pies in the oven despite going blind due to eye problems and crazy Asian flu illness. When I first started coming down with this brutal flu (which would kill women, children and old people if they were unlucky enough to catch it), I thought it was tonsilitis. Tonsilitis is a super ghey illness, but is totally pwned by penicillin.

I raced down to Makati Med and was greeted by a 3 hour expected wait in the Emergency Room. Unable to swallow and having trouble breathing, I staggered across to the massive pharmacy across the road desperate to get penicillin, with no idea if a prescription would be required but completely prepared to jump the counter and steal it if I had to. The lady said there is no penicillin in the Philippines. What. The. Fuck.

To weak to argue pointlessly, and fearing imminent death, I went home and took a Xanax / Valium / Stilnox cocktail, which is like the world’s greatest medical cocktail and a temporary cure for just about any disease. 10 hrs later, I woke in a puddle of sweat, with a raging fever and I spent most of the day delirious.

I passed out eventually and when I woke, the fever had broken, thank Buddah. Another day or two of that and I think it would have been curtains. I still feel like ratshit, but getting much better fast and looking forward to seeing some more eye specialists tomorrow (thanks Jim).

———–

Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time helping to build a new poker forum - we weren’t sure if we’d be able to build enough traffic in early days, so we did a “soft launch” a few days ago just for friends.

In four days, we built it up into an awesome, bustling forum with the help of a number of smart and funny characters.

Total posts 1268 • Total topics 142 • Total members 100

www.PokerCrack.com

We’ll do a hard launch probably next week with some cool promotions. We’re going to hold a freeroll where players can win shares in a greyhound puppy we’re buying named PokerCrack.

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the ants went marching up the hill hurrah hurrah.

To rest my weary eyes (serious overwork eyestrain issues, need to fly overseas to see an eye specialist soon), I’ve braved the greater jungle outside my apartment and experienced the joys of live poker a few times this week, mostly just to get away from the retarded monitors that insist on firing jabs of glare and pain into my eyes non-stop.

Before you choke on your Metamusil cereal (there is always a better kind of ‘regular’), these live games aren’t your run of the mill live poker retardation. I can totally be forgiven for playing in them, and may even start to like live poker.

The games are usually shorthanded with mandatory straddle and mandatory trash-talking. Full ring live poker is a game played by weird specimens and crackpots. But last night we were playing USD 5/12/24 (live straddle) 5 or 6 handed. I think the game was playing basically like 20/40nl.

Also, what makes the game quite fun is I am probably the only nit that plays. 20/15 in that game is shameful. The best players in the game play about 40/30 if the game is 5-handed or whatever, which = fun fun. One more good thing about the game is that some very talented (rich) young guys play, which actually makes the game tolerable - absolutely nothing worse than playing with live old jokers who play 10/5 and mope when their JJ doesn’t hold up in a 4way pot.

But anyway, this post is supposed to an update on my awesome stakees. I have about 20 stakee soldiers now and they all mostly kicking ass. I’d like to expand to about 50 stakees now, so I’m opening up the application process again.

I want to target the following player/s for my staking program:

a) must be able to show medium to long term results in SNGs/cash.

b) must explain to me why they are interested in staking. Good reasons include (i) “I spent half my roll on women, drugs and alcohol and I wasted the rest.” (Bill Hicks)…(ii) “I played too high and busted my roll.” or (iii) “I just want to play stress-free on a freeroll.”

So if you’re interested in a freeroll staking deal (I let most players keep 50% of game profits on the freeroll), email me jonny@rakebackSTAT.com and show me some decent to medium low limit results and I’ll totally stake you and keep shipping you up in limits if you keep winning at each level.

I am a charitable person but this is not a charity. You will get approved if you can demonstrate reasonable success at a certain SNG level or cash game level but you’re not playing at those stakes anymore due to bankroll or stress issues. If you get rejected don’t cry on PNW please (this has happened already). Its the stakees I reject that make my stakees the best.

Once approved, I can fund your new staking accounts overnight. Also, this offer is currently only open to non-US residents. Later on, we’ll do some stuff for US players, but we need VPN / IP routing tech experts. If anyone with serious VPN or IP routing experience is reading this, please, pretty please, contact me…

Mark Vos and the legendary run-good Russian freak Roy Bhasin are setting up a new coaching/video site soon, which will have some great coaches listed. I’m going to use some of their best coaches to give 1-on-1 lessons to hard-working stakees. So it won’t be pure staking, but hopefully a tailored plan to move up in limits with the help of coaches, all with zero financial risk. I plan to get some HU coaching myself because my OOP HU play is disgusting and embarassing and, on bad days, just pathetic.

But even more exciting that Vos/Roy’s coaching site also includes a new forum their team is building. I think there is a pretty good chance it will become the largest forum in Aust-Pacific. I have given JokerNetwork so many years of my life, posting over 7000 times, and I feel the time has come to wave goodbye to those JokerNetwork jokers….

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neteller are the worst people.

So the morons at NETeller obviously read my blog and realised having Alan as their retarded figurehead was embarassing for everyone involved, particularly poor Alan.

But because only inbreds work at NETeller, they hate attractive people…or people with 10 toes for that matter. Rather than hire an actual attractive model, they searched high and low for a skank who was worthy of the NETeller brand. They were successful, replacing NETeller Alan with NETeller Jen, who would probably struggle to get laid in a mining town.

Jen is a ballerina. I call bullshit. Ballerinas can be ugly (so long as they are graceful) but they can’t be chunky martial arts experts. If Jen came at me with her “mean 1-inch punch”, I’d pull out my rape whistle and mace her wonky eyes. Girl Power!

I’m pretty certain NETeller Alan is hitting this thing. I just hope Alan is shooting blanks. Can you imagine being a kid to these freaks - if I was a kid and my parents were NETeller Alan and NETeller Jen, I would take Mummy’s blackbelt noose, tie the end of it to a chandelier with the other end around my neck, and 1-step, drop. Pain over.

Freaky ugly promotional figureheads aside, NETeller continue to be retarded. I can’t wait till they die. Because they weren’t happy with charging outrageous fees and providing brainfeeze bad CS, NETeller recently decided to ostracise their merchant market by running a promotion which encouraged players to deposit and withdraw from sites (who pay the ridiculous fees) over and over to get a cash bonus. I did not participate in this retarded promotion for ethical reasons (even though I could have turned over 250k or more within days for a 4k cash “bonus” from NETeller). But I knew these NETeller jokers would f me somehow with this stupid promotion.

Sure enough, when I tried to make an innocent PokerStars transfer to a local Filipino player, Stars rejected the transfer because I had deposited this month.

——————–

dear thesidedish,

sorry playa, we cant oprocsess yer rekwests at this time, keep it real homie

thank you,
pokerstars support

——————–

- NWP’s thesidedish

Furious at the 9-hour wait before PokerStars rejected my transfer, I called PokerStars support in a holy rage of fury. The security guy confirmed that they were copping a lot of deposit / withdraw / transfer abuse due to the NETeller promotion, and this is why my transfer was rejected. He also took the opportunity to question why my account had logins from Philippines IP’s, and because the heavily-funded account in question belongs to a “friend” of mine who may or may not exist outside of my imagination, I took the opportunity to pretend the line was breaking up to avoid the uncomfortable direction in which that conversation was heading…

I considered fabricating some ID and utility bill scans should the shit hit the fan, but thankfully Stars are pretty cool and did not lock my account. Still nervous due to the amount in this account, and not wanting to risk a withdrawal back to the morons at NETeller, I decided to play a heap of $200-$500 HU SNGs to make Stars happy and move this cash to safety. I played about 80 of these SNGs and can genuinely say the median skill at this level is pretty much a joke. I played some guy about 10 times (I won 8 I think) who has won 450k on Stars (JasonMac18) and I thought he was basically a formulaic, predictable donk who made way too many exploitable mistakes. I would seriously probably play him for a living if I didn’t think poker was so retarded. If this guy can win 450k playing SNGs, you’d have to be a moron to run under 10% ROI.

Here is a little Melanie to brighten up your day…

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