on suicide watch.

So after dropping over 30k in a few days in Thailand, I really needed a good donkament score to pull me out of the funk. I usually only put myself through the pain of tournament ‘poker’ (el oh el) once a month, as that is all my weak constitution can take of that retarded form of torture.

But luckily for me (as I needed a big score), I had two tourneys today, the 1k Mansion 6max and the 1k Pacific WPC. I busted out of the Mansion tourney pretty quickly when my AK was no match for AJ pre. I then had some connection problems (thanks PLDT, you bunch of Neteller-style inbreds) which added to my tilt and demolished my little remaining stack.

I still had high hopes to save my April as the Pacific 1k WPC $3 mil guaranteed was on last night and expected to have huge overlay. I put in about 6 players into it on staking deals. I also bought shares in others and swapped with a few more. I was in this tourney for 11k total and had financial interest in 17 players (including myself).

As expected, the tourney was full of satellite donks. I spent a few hours folding Group 96 hands in flamboyant style, whilst racking my brain to come up with an activity more retarded than playing a Full Ring Tourney. Beastiality, water torture, starvation, religion, sleep deprivation and good old self-mutilation - all these activities were considered and dismissed as not even comparing to the pure and utter RETARDATION of a Full Ring Tourney.

Nevertheless, as I needed a big score to save my April, I fought on like a true tourney FR nit. I eventually pushed TT over the top of AJ, who instacalled and writing the result would be wasting valuable blog space, and also insulting your intelligence.

Out of the 17 players I staked, bought, swapped…0/17 cashed. I’m staring down the barrel of a negative 50k April and pretty sick of the endless inaneness.

If you don’t hear from me anymore, and the detectives find my bottles of Xanax and Stilnox empty tomorrow, there will be no need to suspect foul play….

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greyhound slum kingpin plans…

So rather than wallow in the pain of the greatest Russian downswing in history, I’ve decided to recoup by investing in some greyhound pups with Vos, Roy and Harris.

We’ll probably buy two pups. I have my heart set on some pups sired by Whiskey Assassin. If you are a greyhound racing noob, here is a video below showing how Whiskey Assassin used to roll, before he got to romp around all day nailing bitches in stud. He’s a total animal…

(I can’t embed it, but just click on this link: Whiskey Assassin Pwnage)

The pups are in the range of $3500 each, with another 1k each earmarked for rearing. After that, we get to sit back and make MILLIONS on the competitive dogs circuit.

I might call one of the pups RakebackSTAT if I can, and give out shares in his awesomeness as part of various promotions etc. So you can also be a hound kingpin like me….

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pain almost over.

So holidays are supposed to be fun. But it’s hard to have fun when you are cursed. After being up 13k, I went on 40k downswing in Russian to finish Russian retardation down 26k for the week against these cheating bastirds.

Apart from being ridiculously cursed, the ‘holiday’ was ok I guess. Some comments worth mentioning:

Vos (as we passed a bodybuilder with his g/f): “Oh. My. God. That guy has an amazing body. He has like a magazine-quality body. And his girlfriend is so ugly. What’s with that?”

Harris (heated discussion in pool): “I would try dogmeat. But not like stray dogs. I’d only eat dogmeat if the dogs were bred for consumption.”

I got into a heated argument with Vos over some basic physics…specifically, if you put a glass upside down in water, and then pull it out of the water slowly, then why does the water remain in the glass if you pull it up over water level. I was 100% right, as always. Vos, as usual, was wrong…and claimed my explanation (that the water was being sucked up due to vacuum created by lack of air in the glass) was incorrect. After summarising 3rd grade science to Vos, I finished with my argument with: “…and that is why you are a retard.”

A random heinous lady (total random stranger) who was listening to our argument came over and yelled at me for being rude to my friends. We got into a fight. I think I pwned. She yelled at me that I was arrogant, condescending and a bully. I explained to her that Vos punches me often, which clearly makes him the bully. She was having none of that, and told me I needed to “learn about diversity”. I pointed out that I was hanging out with a Ginga, an Indian and a Greek, which effectively made me the UN. In response, she started flirting with me, which was pretty weird. She went from yelling to flirting in about 5 seconds. I swam away in disgust but Vos was clearly excited by the amount of skin she was showing, so he flirted with her for ages. Here are some photos:

This is where Vos shows her the goods:

Not to be outdone, random skank lets her sexuality hang out, much to the excitement of Vos, even though Harris obv moving in to cut his grass:

Later, we went to check out Ladyboy Lane in Patong (Vos offered 60k to anyone who slept with a ladyboy - no takers) and also to show some seafood who was boss. I was a little frightened of this lobster but we pwned it with the aid of boiling water and chili soy sauce:

We then flew to Bangkok for a couple days where I did some wheeling and dealing for Xanax in an underground pharmacy, then lost another 2k to Vos when the much-hyped Deccan Chargers played the worst 20/20 game in history to get owned by some crap team in the IPL.

Summary: Phuket is pretty retarded. I don’t think I’ll ever go there again. Bangkok is a pretty awesome city ofc, but its hard to enjoy it when you’re getting smashed on every bet you make…

I run good. Negative 32k for the week. Great holiday. Sigh.

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spam. the good kind.

So Pacific Poker are holding a satellite for the upcoming $1050 buyin World Poker Championships tourney, which has a $3 million guaranteed prize pool.

I promised my good friends at Pacific I would advertise this tourney but only because of the huge overlay, because I don’t want to sacrifice the integrity of this blog EL OH EL.

FYI I will sacrifice the “integrity” of this blog for a 6-pack and a tenner, but that is neither here nor there.

Back to the matter at hand, in about 14 hrs (from this post) Pacific are holding a $110 satellite to the WPC, with a $105,000 guaranteed prizepool (they are giving away 100 seats).

They need 1000 players to make their guarantee and with 14 hrs before start time, they have 220 players registered.

Free money. Play a satellite with insane overlay to win a seat into a huge tourney which will also have insane overlay. Blog integrity virginity remains intact. Thank me later you ungreatful hoes…

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phuket holiday dramas already…

So I flew out of Manila a couple nights ago to meet Vos, Roy and Harris in Bangkok for a connecting flight to Phuket. As I can’t get organised to book flights until the day before I fly out, I always screw myself and had a 12 hour stopover in BKK to get on the same flight as the boys to Phuket.

I stayed in possibly the worst hotel in the world, the Transit Hotel in Bangkok airport - which was surprising as BKK airport is so awesome. I paid $300 for 12 hours with no room service, no internet, basically a tiny uncomfortable bed with a TV. I scheduled a wake up call which never arrived but I woke up accidentally in time to catch the connecting flight.

The final call was announced and the boys were nowhere to be seen. I was the last person waiting to board and I was thinking “Uh oh, this is a good start, ffs” as Harris was organising all accomodation in Phuket etc.

They held the plane 20 min and the boys arrived from a late connecting flight. As it was raining in Phuket, we decided to play a little Russian at our beautiful resort (Mecure). Before long, my huge edge over these chumps started to pay dividends and I was up about 13k - I am known for being a gracious winner and the boys all appreciated my encouraging comments as they donated $$ all night.

We awoke to a bright and sunny day and I convinced everyone we should hire scooters instead of walk the two blocks to the beach. Harris had not ridden a scooter before but I convinced him even a kid could ride it and that it was not dangerous.

About 20 seconds after we hired the mopeds, I heard a loud crash behind me and turned my head to see Vos laughing as he swerved to avoid Roy who had smashed into the side of a parked car. I felt pretty sick as Roy was on the ground, the car and moped looked quite damaged, and it was all my idea to hire these scooters.

Vos rode off to catch Harris and I stopped to help Roy, who was only a bit bruised and thankfully no bones broken. The car owner was quite distraught and the mopeds’ owner came running down the road to survey the damage also. As Vos sped up to catch Harris, he struggled to turn the corner and crashed into a girl driving another scooter. No one was hurt but the 2nd scooter was also damaged in the crash. Two crashes only minutes after hiring the scooters. Idiots lolza.

After the accidents, Roy, Vos and Harris all decided they wanted nothing more to do with the scooters. Wimps. Looks like we’ll be walking everywhere for the next week. Roy got punished a bit, paying out around $2000 for the damage to the scooter and car, which we estimate was probably 50% markup on what its going to cost the owners to fix the vehicles, but I guess dem’s the breaks.

Overall, the holiday is shaping up to be quite entertaining and I’m sure more adventures and Russian pwnage will result….

Here are some pictures of the car which don’t really convey the level of damage or the hilarity:

This is Roy’s scooter after the accident - it doesn’t look so bad, but the owner insisted Roy had to pay $1000 to fix the shocks and replace the scratched panels. We didn’t feel like arguing as we were hungry so Roy handed over the money and we walked to the beach. Sigh.

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i hate stupid people.

Many years ago, I lent a friend $500 and he never paid it back as he couldn’t afford it. For awhile, he was sending me $5 a week, but then even these token payments stopped and I never heard from him again.

Furious and frustrated, I was quoted as saying: “I hate poor people.”

I did say this but I didn’t mean it. I don’t hate poor people. I don’t even hate lazy, poor people. I apologise to all poor people I have offended with this oft-quoted and insensitive remark.

However, I do hate stupid people. You can quote me on that one.

I’ve been having big wireless network problems in the last fortnight in that my wireless network was busto. This was the source of much more frustration than it would be in a first-world country, as getting things fixed here in Manila is not as simple as calling someone up, paying them, and continuing with your boring day.

After spending over an hour trying to fix the network myself (and failing obv), I spent an hour calling various computer technicians to come fix it. I cannot explain how tilting this hour was without being offensive, but suffice it to say that I received many promises of call-backs, which in Manila is the equivalent of “I hate money. I have a magazine to read.”

You can imagine my shock when I actually received a callback. When I recovered from this once-in-a-lifetime event, I organised for the comp tech guy to come between 1-2pm. Being somewhat savvy in the ways of Manila now, of course I offered the guy 3x his asking rate purely to show up between 1-2pm as promised. I have found this greatly increases the chances of them showing up at the preagreed time, from like 5% chance to a mammoth 30% (or even 50% if you’re running exceptionally hot that day).

I should mention that in our preliminary phone and text discussions (nothing is ever as simple as one phone call, everything has to be conducted over multiple calls back and forth and multiple text messages, even for something as simple as a service appointment or food delivery order), I asked the guy if he was an “expert” in his chosen field, that being computers, of course. He replied to the affirmative, even strongly so. I then asked him if he was an “expert” in LAN or wireless networks, and he replied to the affirmative, even strongly so. My spirits were high at such confidence.

They soared even higher when the guy arrived at 1.42pm. Incredulous at how good I was running, I briefly considered running out and buying a 99% vig lottery ticket (the lotteries here are mostly scams on poor, ignorant folk - with the winners often having a close relation or connection with whomever is, ahem, publishing the lottery numbers).

The computer and wireless network “expert” got to work. After half an hour, I began to have doubts whether this guy really was an expert in wireless networks. After an hour, I began to doubt whether this guy really was an expert in computers. After two hours, I began to wonder if this guy had ever seen a computer before in his life. It was at this point, I decided to cut my losses, and send him on his way. He even had the nerve to bill me the full 3x amount for taking two hours to hammer away at my XPS beast like a monkey, despite having done nothing to fix the network.

After the stupid moron left, my maid (who comes from a village that didn’t have a TV until last month), said, “I do not think he knew what he was doing.”

“WELL SAID, JANINE!”

Furious, out of Xanax, and practising my deep breathing exercises to retain my grip on sanity, I asked Janine to find me another replacement. I could see the life drain out of her face. I must be rubbing off on her, because she said, “Sir, I do not want to. I cannot talk to these people.”

I told her I already did it for an hour, and would she pls try for one hour, and that we’d do “one hour on, one hour off” shifts until we found someone. I offered her a bonus if she found someone. She agreed this was fair and, clearly depressed, she trudged over to the phone book, psychologically preparing herself for an hour of tilt.

She found someone eventually and he showed up at our door within 20 min. Suspicious at the speed at which he arrived, I looked at him suspiciously. He looked nervous. I explained the situation, he promised me he could fix it. My confidence in him was low despite his Superman-speed arrival, but thought it wouldn’t hurt to give a digger a shot. I told him he had 30 minutes to fix the network. He looked at what the other guy was trying to do and laughed. I watched in awe as his fingers glided over the keyboard smoothly like a fabulous Thorpedo cutting through an Olympic swimming pool. Dozens of windows opened and closed and numbers and IP addresses flashed across the screen faster than I could keep track of. I realised I was drooling and wiped it away. He took 2 minutes and fixed the entire thing completely. It was beautiful to watch him work. I almost had wood. If I was a housewife, I would have given it up to him right then and there.

He tried to protest when I threw pesos at him in awe and admiration. I made him relent and take the money. As he was leaving, he said, “Call me anytime Sir for any computer problems, day or night.”

I held onto the doorknob as my knees went weak.

————

I’m flying to Thailand tonight for some adventures with my ladyboys Vos, Roy and Harris. I hope to encourage lots of blog-worthy shenanigans over the next week, particularly when I lace Roy’s Massaman curry with shabu….

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For getting through this long post, I reward you with one more pic of the ridiculous Melanie…

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