a red letter day…

So today was shaping up to be a huge day. I was one of the chip leaders on Day 2 of Mansion 1k 6max nearing the money.

I finished about 10 from the bubble after running my QQ into AJ in a huge pot, then running TT into AA in a blind battle not long after when I was a bit short. Next time, come again.

I then had the T6 250k euro guar which is always a fun tourney on Monday mornings. I put about 12 horsies in this one, and one of my horsies galloped away to huge chip lead for most of the tourney, but we both donked off to finish in the 60-70 range for a lot of wasted effort. I was in for about 3k euro in that tourney, so I got pumped a bit there.

My spirits were still high as I was almost certain to win a fortune on Oscars betting. Whilst waiting for the delayed telecast, I played my first real session online this year for a few hours. Dropped 4k.

My growing tilt increased when I was forced to listen to dozens of inane, poorly delivered speeches. They should have a rule where you lose your Oscar if your speech sucks. I’m happy to adjudicate these decisions, and I would have taken the Oscar off about 90% of recipients this morning. They have so much time to prepare their speeches, its really quite ridiculous how bad they all are.

Also they need two Oscar ceremonies. It’s ridiculous that everyone has to listen to some joker stutter his way through a boring thank you speech as he receives an award for best lighting. They should have one short ceremony for the awesome categories like Best Picture, Best Actors, Supporting Actors, Screenplay etc…and one ceremony that no one watches to hand out the rest of the awards.

I needed just about every single one of my Oscar bets to come home to break even on the day, including the long shots. I got pretty heavily on Casey Affleck for Best Supporting Actor and some more on other bets. I finished 0/15 or something.

Then I cried myself to sleep.

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one time.

So each month I schedule in the Mansion $1000 6max tourney, but I keep missing it. Today was the first time I managed to play.

I think most tourneys are pretty stupid, but as far as tourneys go, this one is pretty ok. It’s 6max for starters, everyone starts with 400bb (it’s amazing how bad people play deep), and the blinds are really slow, going up in small increments in 30min levels. The absolute best thing about this tourney is that each of the Day 1’s plays for a maximum of 5 hours.

For one of the largest buyin tourneys online, I was pretty surprised at how soft the field was. I went through a few tables, and only ran across the occasional player who seemed comfortable on a 6max table. I had expected to face a lot of laggy 6max players, but this simply wasn’t the case. Actually, everyone I played today (with a few exceptions) was pretty nitty and weak.

I ran pretty good to finish Day 1a as one of the chip leaders with about 80k in chips. With 550 or so starters, I’m 5th out of about 150 left I think, so sitting well for a good crack at Day 2 on Sunday.

My equity in this tourney now is probably in the 10-15k range, so Sunday will be a pretty big day for me if I can run good and get deep it should be pretty fun.

————

Speaking of tourneys, Pacific is running a pretty hot tourney which I’m a lock to do well in (I run like god on Pacific).

It’s a 1k buyin, 3 million guar event on April 26. The final table moves from online to live, with the players flown to a resort in Spain to play the final table.

There is probably going to be pretty big overlay on this tourney, and you can satellite your way in with commission-free satellites. Until Feb 26, you will get 50% cash back on all satellites you play, making the satellites ridiculous value.

To get 50% cashback, you need to register your existing Pacific account at this link: https://www.888.com/wpc/2008/en/special.htm

You can get the Pacific Loyalty bonus (similar to rakeback) at rakebackSTAT.com. If you already have an existing Pacific account, there’s a pretty good chance you can have it moved so you can get the monthly Loyalty Bonus. I’ll just need your username and email to check with Pacific to move accounts. Email those details to jonny@rakebackSTAT.com and I’ll follow up on that for you.

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omg i am getting evicted…

Firstly, a quick recommendation: The Darjeeling Limited. 3 brothers take a train trip across India to find their mother and heal their broken relationship. Brilliant comedy. 8/10

———

Ok so I get a formal eviction notice today. Why am I getting evicted? Because the owner’s feelings were hurt. I’m only paying about 150-200% of market rental value, but what is profits and heavy positive gearing when up against hurt feelings?

I moved into this apartment about 10 months ago and had to spend about $5000 to make it livable (brand new unfurnished apartments in the Philippines bring a new meaning to the word ‘unfurnished’ - no curtains/blinds, faulty electrical wiring, bad plumbing, no pipes for luxuries like washing machines, no hot water, etc etc). I decided I would probably buy the place once I’d been through the pain for 3 months of Filipino “appointments” (time is a loose concept here, even showing up at all to make money is a loose concept - I started offering contractors 3x their requested rates if they could just show up on time, most wouldn’t even show up at all).

I told the owner I had the cash and was ready to buy. He couldn’t find his ownership papers for 3 months. We needed the papers to make the sale. By the time he finally found his ownership papers (don’t open a store selling filing cabinets here, you’ll go bankrupt), I no longer wanted to buy. He shrugged and said, “I wish I could have found my papers sooner.” Hmm yes.

As he still wanted to sell, he started bringing in dozens of prospective “buyers”. At first, being basically a very nice person, I accomodated the dozens of people who ostensibly wanted to buy the apartment when they arrived at all hours of the day and evening. It quickly became apparent to me that none of these “buyers” were interested in buying or could even afford a nice meal, let alone a luxury city apartment. Some were dirty and traisping dirt throughout my apartment, leaving dirty handprints on walls, etc. One used my toilet and clogged it, and I had to wait a couple hours for building maintenance to come fix it. Obv this situation was untenable. I told the owner this, explained I didn’t want random dirty broke people waking me up so they could see what a city apartment looked like on the inside. I also explained the security issues and he said he understood completely and apologised.

Things were fine and dandy for a few months, mostly because I was traveling. I’d just gotten back from an o/s trip and was sleeping it off when I was woken up by someone in my bedroom. “Oh sorry, I didn’t realise anyone was here”, said the stranger. “WTF is going on!” I yell. The owner quickly walks in from the living room and apologises, saying he thought I wasn’t in. “I suppose a phone call or ringing the door bell was too complex a plan?” I respond. He has a blank look on his face, obv thinking I’m a moron as why would you bother ringing someone or ringing the doorbell if you don’t think they’re inside. Stupid westerners.

I grabbed the key he was holding in his hand and said if anyone ever comes in without my permission, I reserve the right to open up weapons fire on them. I told them to give me a minimum of 24h notice if they wanted to view the apartment. They beat a hasty retreat and I went back to sleep.

A couple weeks ago, the real estate broker brought some people around to look at the apartment. She rang the security intercom (which can’t be turned off) 14 times (no exaggeration)until I woke up and yelled at her that, if she knew what was good for her, she’d better have evacuated the lobby before my elevator reached the bottom floor, because I was bringing blunt objects which I had every intention of using.

She apologised later and I accepted her apology, but I told her this unprofessional behaviour had to stop. She agreed. She asked if I wanted to renew my lease at this point. I said yes, and paid her 9 months rent in advance. She said the lease was locked in for 9 months but she couldn’t print the contract as her printer was broken. Most printers in the Philippines are ‘broken’ I think - I suspect this means they are out of ink.

Yesterday, she rings and tells me the owners are sick of my unreasonable attitute to visits from “buyers” and that they want me to evacuate the apartment in 1 week when the lease ends. I have already paid for another 9 months, mind you. I told her we have a verbal contract as I’ve already paid and that she should tell the owner to bring weapons and to expect small arms fire if he comes to evict me after accepting my advance rental money.

The owner calls me saying he can’t afford to make his loan repayments and that he needs to sell the place and is unable to sell whilst I am there because I won’t allow his dozens of propsective dirty “buyers” to visit the unit. It turns out this joker is going bankrupt and has to sell everything he owns.

“Wow, of all people, I can’t believe YOU are going bankrupt,” I say.

“Yes”, he responds, “I’ve been having very bad luck with all my rentals, most are unoccupied, the market is very bad at the moment.”

“I’m not leaving, I paid you 9 months rent. And you do realise how stupid it is evicting a tenant paying well over market rate when you admit you’re going bankrupt because you have no tenants, right?”

“Yes, but I really need to sell. You understand right?”

“Actually no, I think you are beyond retarded. You’re going bankrupt because you’re too stupid to own property. You couldn’t even find your ownership papers to sell this unit when you had a buyer who had the full amount in cash waiting to buy.”

He is highly offended at this point, but somewhere deep down in that flickering 64 IQ brain of his, he realises there is some logic to what I’m telling him. He changes tack: “Ok, you can stay but I want you to pay an extra 20% a month, and you have to let me bring unlimted visitors every day with no notice required.”

I politely tell him to enjoy his future poverty.

Later on, I realise I don’t want to spend 3 months of pain fixing broken electrical wires and waiting for contractors that never arrive despite my offers of richness, and I call him and say: “Look, I’ll pay extra, I don’t really care - I can’t be bothered moving. I’ll also let you bring as many visitors as you want.” My plan at this point was to let him bring zero visitors, but he doesn’t have any keys and I had no contract due to the ‘broken’ printer, so I needed to get the contract before telling him and his visitors where they could go.

He hates me too much by this point, and says: “No, you’re rude and unreasonable. I’m throwing you out, but you can have 3 months to leave.”

I tell him to give me a refund on the extra 6 months I’ve paid and I’ll consider evacuating in 3 months. He hangs up.

So - we begin the joyous merry-go-round of tilt all over again.

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oscars…

It’s Oscars time, and I’m about to make a small fortune. Unlike lesser men, I am a genius. I also am a world-renowned movie whore. I also don’t mind the odd speculative wager.

As I am also basically a saint, I am sharing my genius with you so that you can get rich also.

The 5 films nominated for Best Motion Picture are (Betfair line):

No Country for Old Men ($1.42) - this movie is one of the biggest joke movies in the history of movies. Fearful that they will appear somehow foolish in the eyes of other critics, every retarded critic in the world has jumped on board and declared this movie to be genius. This is not the case. It’s a boring piece of tripe and the only way it can win Best Picture is if the entire Academy Awards voting process is more rigged than the IOC.

There Will Be Blood ($5.10) - this movie is brilliant. Very, very close to perfection. Awesome on so many levels. Daniel-Day Lewis is a god and other actors are not fit to breathe the same rarefied air as this stone cold freak. He’s so talented its scary, and this movie will win Best Motion Picture. I’ve put 1k on it at $5.80. Get on board before the line moves in too much further.

Atonement ($14.50) - brilliant, spectacular movie based on the award winning Ian McEwan novel of the same name. I have $100 on it when it was paying 30:1. It might not win as all the actors are British, but as an overall package, it deserves to be in serious consideration. Line moving in fast. Not sure there is value at 14:1 but…

Juno ($18.50) - excellent “independent” movie which supposedly cost only 6 mil to make and made over 30 times that back. This film is very cute and fun, but it tries a little bit too hard to be sharp and edgy. The little Hard Candy actress who plays Juno (Ellen Page) is extremely talented and very cute, and she carries this film on her back the whole way. A great film, but it won’t win Best Picture because it doesn’t deserve to.

Michael Clayton ($34.00) - enjoyable film but not an Oscar winning film. This horse is not in the race.

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Leading Actor is not interesting. Daniel-Day Lewis is at $1.10 to win and he’s a lock for his efforts in There Will Be Blood. It’s pretty sick, but there is almost value in getting on him at $1.10 - not enough to concern you though. Let’s move on to….

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Leading Actress:

The value bet here is Ellen Page for Juno at $9.80. She’s probably a 1 in 5 shot.

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Supporting Actor:

There is value in this market because the favourite (Javier Bardem - No Country for Old Men - $1.14) doesn’t deserve to win. The line just reflects the retarded hype surrounding No Country. The value bet in this category is Casey Affleck at $12.50 for his portrayal of obsession into hatred in The Assassination of Jesse James. The movie itself is retarded, don’t waste your time with it, but Casey Affleck puts in a huge performance. Definitely value here.

———

One more long shot bet for you - Lars and the Real Girl to win Best Original Screenplay. Exceptional sweet movie about a quiet guy who withdraws so far into his own world, he establishes a relationship with a sex doll, believing the doll is a real girl. As the entire town loves him, they decide to play along with his fantasy. The plot sounds retarded but the screenplay is wonderful. Ryan Gosling is excellent and probably should have scraped into Leading Actor contention with his efforts. Up against favourite Juno in this category, this film is a long-shot, but I believe there is value at $12.50.

———

Thank me later. If No Country wins Best Picture, I am going to break shit.

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a tale of torture and horror…

I was subjected to brutal torture today by an evil, wicked woman who appeared intent on making me pay for past sins. For 3 hours, she had me on the rack as she wreaked havoc on my mouth with an assortment of gruesome drills and vile-tasting cements and glues and other instruments of torture and death. It was more painful than reading a Blair Rodman tourney report spam post on JokerNetwork.

At the end of the torturous 3 hours, I was a broken man and sobbing like a Collingwood footballer caught drink-driving. It’s lucky I don’t possess any state secrets cause I would have hecticly given them up to save my own skin. Braces suck and those that are responsible for them are vile, wicked people.

When the worst of the pain was over, my evil orthodontist, with a vindictive sneer, asked me how I felt. I told her she was a bad, bad person and she should be ashamed doing what she does to small children. I have a dream…that no child should ever be forced to endure what I endured today. My mouth feels like Rocco Siffredi has just had his way with it. I begged her for Vicodin or Morphine to deal with the pain but she ignored my pleading - instead she gave me paracetemol, which is like handing a shot of Hahn Light to an alcoholic.

What my orthodonist did to me today should be illegal. Punishment should be meted out accordingly. I told her I would never forgive her and that if I saw her in the street, I wouldn’t even give her a cheerio. She laughed as she thought I was joshing. I wasn’t. I don’t josh about torture. It’s not a joshing matter.

I now look something like this:

I only have to wear the braces for 6 months though, so I’m gonna spend the 6 months hiding out in the gym with my friends from MASS-TECH, who promise delivery of 10kg of pure muscle just from eating this bucket of powder:

…so the next time you jokers see me, I will look like this:

————–

Hilary Clinton is a dirty pirate hooker. Facing imminent defeat from a surging Obama, she’s appealed to superdelegates to vote for her when Obama heads to the Convention with the majority of pledged delegates (traditionally, superdelegates vote for the leading candidate). She also refuses to rule out a possible desperation-fueled “steal” attempt of Florida and Michigan delegates (both states were stripped of their delegates by the DNC). And she has gone dirty with her campaign, trying to paint the Obama campagin as “cult-like”.

Obama is now 1.45 favourite on Betfair for the Democratic nomination, and a 2.14 fav for the Presidency. Hilary, you are gooonne….shipppp….

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Shout-out to my 2nd most successful horsie of all-time, who almost won me 50k this morning. He ran AK into AA on final table in a huge pot to finish 6th and ship me 10k - great effort Bluebear…

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fuk u valentines day…

Anyone who has a g/f on Valentine’s Day is gay. Unless she’s an Audrey Hepburn lookalike.

I hate Valentine’s Day every year. I’ve never had a g/f on Valentine’s Day in my entire life - one year like 4 years ago, I was close and super excited and felt almost like a normal cringe-fag, but then we had fight the day before Valentine’s over her being hella annoying and I got dumped - I lost my fully paid for in advance ultra cheese river gondola cruise ($700 - violin player and everything). I considered going on the gondola alone but that would have just been awkward.

I haven’t had a g/f and been complete Valentine’s Day Grinch since then. Gayest day of the year. All these retards always wish you “Happy Valentine’s Day” like its some sort of awesome holiday like Halloween. I tell them to get f’ed. It’s just a brilliant scam to get retards like me to spend money on retarded river gondola rides with violin tools who aren’t good enough to make a living that’s not retarded. If I was a violin player doing gondola rides on Valentine’s Day, I would throw burley off the end and wait for Jaws to arrive.

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