Jerusalem tilt…

Was very excited to go to Jerusalem today as there is so much history there and I simply had to see what kind of magical city is worth blowing up and slaughtering women and children over. As so many people are willing to kill for this city, I was expecting some magical fairytale world of wonderfulness. Boy was I disappointed.

Our trip started in fine roflbrothel fashion when we ran out of fuel on the drive up to Jerusalem.

We finally found a park near Old Jerusalem and began a very long trek through the backstreets of the old city, which are filled with bazaars selling authetic trinkets that are almost certainly made in China. The trinket store owners behave like their colleagues in Bangkok markets, only far more polite and neurotic. “Would you perhaps please look at my products Sir? That is, if you have the time?”

We had to jump out of the way as this guy pushing a trolley stacked 10m high with boxes raced down the alley, swerving all over the narrow track. I said, “That’s an accident waiting to happen” and a few moments after, the trolley guy smashed into some old ladies and a stall, causing great panic. I was able to remain calm and take a pic of the carnage, but my view of the injuries is blocked by the upturned trolley.

We continued on our fascinating journey, desperate to reach the legendary Wailing Wall. Along our way, I tried to take a picture of a ginga Orthodox Jew, but he gave me a dirty look when I tried to take his pic. Distracted by me, he was almost run over by the 21st century and I snapped a cheeky pic as he turned to thank Jehovah that he escaped becoming Orthodox Roadkill.

We finally found the Wailing Wall which was very much anti-climatic. We were rudely (but fairly) yelled at when we accidentally wandered into the Women’s section of the wall and directed to the Men’s section. Gaz was ordered to put on a cardboard cap to cover his offensive hair. We came, we saw, we wailed. Meh. You’re allowed to write down a request for God and stick it into the Wall so the Wall is covered with hundreds of thousands of requests jammed into cracks for God. I wrote down and prayed for Natalie Portman to realise that she cannot live without me and my avacadoes. God said he’d get back to me.

We then spent an enjoyable 2hr drive back through peak hour traffic back to Tel Aviv and I spent the time pondering what all the fuss was about. I don’t mean to be insensitive to all you fine people who believe a bunch of old crumbling rocks are worth killing other people over, but if I owned Jerusalem, I would be wondering who I could pay to take it off my hands.

If you think this city is worth killing or dying for…you are retarded.

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Best Inventions of 2007

As I realise most of you are Philistines who derive interesting infotainment from wonderful sources like early morning Guthy-Renker and Mornings with Kerri-Anne, I take it upon myself to bring you…

The Best Inventions of 2007
(courtesy of Time Magazine)

City Car - an electrical car invented by MIT which is stackable and can be checked in and out like a luggage cart at airports and locations throughout cities. Looks like a toy, but these 2-seaters go up to 90 km/h. Awesome. Available 2011.

Venturi Eclectic - runs solely on wind and solar power. No refuelling required from hydrogen/ethanol. Looks like a golf buggy but this is a car for the road. Available 2008.

Trek Lime Bicycle - has automatic, electronic 3-speed transmission. You pedal, it shifts gears automatically. Would have sacrified an inch of my Pedro to have one of these to get to school when I was a kid. Available now.

The Air Car - a French R&D firm’s invention. These cars run on compressed air and emit only colder, cleaner air into the environment. A built-in air compressor refills the tanks within minutes. Currently will cost $2 for every 200 km travelled in ‘fuel’. Available 2009.

Flytech Dragonfly - the first remote controlled toy to use flapping wings instead of a propellor to fly. Available now and costs $50.

Super Fly Cycle - a motorcycle that converts into a gyroplane. I want one - now. Available now.

Erasable Paper - embedded with a material that changes colour when exposed to projected light by an inkless printer. Text disappears in 24 hours, making the paper fully reusable. Available in prototype.

Bubelle Dress - changes colour depending on wearer’s mood. Move over HyperColour. The material is inserted with biometric sensors and lighting to make your emotions visible. Available in prototype.

Freedom-2 Tattoo - permanant tattoos using Freedom-2 ink made of biodegradable dyes. Can be permanently removed in a single treatment. When a laser zaps the tattoo, the ink capsules break open and the ink is reasorbed by your body. Available 2008.

ZymeQuest Blood Conversion - a techique to convert blood to all types, ending the gravy train for 0-negative carrying bums and winos. Testing under way.

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hijacking on tel aviv flight…

Made a huge comeback online for November, only to lose about 13k over the weekend, so decided to head off to the Middle East to get away from the insanity online and also to talk some business with all the gaming experts located here (playtech and ipoker, cpays, 888 etc). Convinced my moron taxi driver I was an assassin, which made the trip the airport less tilting. He kept asking what I did for work, and I just wanted to sleep, so he read my avoidance of his questions as having something to hide and I led him down the garden path - it was fun. Once I got to the airport, my flight was NOT delayed or cancelled, which was a miracle as I had to catch a connecting flight in Bangkok.

Killed time in the lounge watching Brokeback Mountain. The last time I watched it, I was more interested in erotically stroking Vos’ leg in front of his girlfriend during the “wrong” spots of the movie. So it was good to watch it alone a second time without worrying whether my stroking would get result in Vos getting interested and presenting us with an ‘awkward’ situation.

This movie is simply retarded. I’m all for gayness and I think I would make a fantastic queen if I was gay. Brokeback is retarded though, its boring and slow and the story isn’t the slightest bit intriguing. You have two cowboy hicks nailing each other on top of a mountain and they get Oscars for filming it. What a joke.

I don’t like it how you can make a retarded movie or write a crap book and you’ll get awards and critical acclaim so long as your crap movie or book deals with anything like homosexuality, incest, sexual abuse or whatever.

I arrived in Bangkok to make my connection an hour before my El Al flight to Tel Aviv was scheduled to leave. I commenced El Al’s unbelievable security checking procedures. As I respect their position, I ground my teeth and answered the dozens of retarded questions: “Are you carrying a bomb in your bag? Are you carrying a bomb in your checked bags? Are you carrying a weapon in your bag? Are you carrying a weapon in your checked bag? Are you sure?” - and so on and so on for ages…these questions are retarded because who is going to sit there and say, “Yes, I am carrying a bomb in my bag. I wish you didn’t think to ask me that question - I was almost on the plane. Your crafty line of questioning spoiled my fireworks party.” Tilt.

They then pushed us all into their own private security checking adventure which was rough, brusque and rude. I continued to behave as I respect their position so I was not causing any trouble whatsoever. One guy pushed me to the metal detector as if I was a terrorist armed to the teeth with knives and explosives. The guy on the other side wasn’t ready for me yet and pushed me back. I don’t like invasions of personal space unless they’re conducted professionally - this was ridiculous and I would have had some strong words to them, but they have compulsory military service in Israel, so these Israeli bus boys could probably kill me easily. Tilt.

They took my bags away from our view into a private room and 15 min later we got them back. All the bags were a mess, they pull every single item out and throw them all back in chaotically and haphazardly, with no regards to expensive electronic items or the order your bag was packed in. It was amazing nothing was broken. Not surprisingly, we eventually got into the air over an hour behind schedule. Tilt.

I quickly got off tilt when I realised I had 3 seats in the back of my plane all to myself for the 11 hour flight. Beautiful. I settled down to sleep and was extremely comfortable. I got up to get a drink and realised just across from me, there was a 4-seat row totally empty. Why limit myself to 3 seats when I can have 4, I asked myself. I moved to the 4 seat row and stretched out feeling like a Sheik in an Emirates First Class cabin.

After an hour, the hostess woke me up to tell me she was moving 2 people into my row and would I please return to my seat. Tilt. I tell myself 3 seats not so bad, and am looking forward to getting back to sleep when I find a dirty dirty bugger has hijacked my 3 seats and is fast asleep. I panic and run around the plane but all rows are filled. I have the utmost respect for sleeping people but I head back to reclaim my stolen seats like a man, like an anchorman. I gently nudge the sleeping theif, he wakes, looks at me with murderous black eyes and asks me what I want. I get the distinct impression the wrong answer will get me killed. I apologise profusely and tell him he’s in my seats. He says nothing, grunts, pulls his covers closer and goes back to sleep.

“Why you dirty thieving terrorist!” I mutter in dismay as I head down to a single empty seat at the back, only realising after sitting down how incredibly stupid it was to mutter that word on an El Al flight going to Tel Aviv. Luckily for me, it was dark and everyone was asleep.

So in a single uncomforable seat is how I spent the 11 hour trip as the plane takes a very long route around down the south of Saudi Arabia, up the east African coastline, then cutting back in over the top of Israel coming in from the sea. Tilt.

We eventually landed at Ben Gurion airport in Tel Aviv. I have a bit of a ‘thing’ for airports and I’m placing Ben Gurion 2nd on my top five list with KL airport first. Great airports - I had a bit of customs trouble though - I don’t really know why - I look harmless, maybe even embarassingly so. I was interviewed by this tiny, cute, blonde girl who must have been 4′5″ but she had bad-ass tattoos on her neck. She was very cute but I also got the impression she could kill me very quickly if it took her fancy to do so, so I was very conflicted and stammered my way through her bullet questions. She gave me a look like “You’re an idiot” and pushed me through out into the sunlight of early morning Tel Aviv.

I took a 2hr drive down to Herzilia to meet Gaz only to find he was heading back up to Tel Aviv so I came straight back up - got to see a bit of the country-side. My initial impressions of Tel Aviv is that its an intriguing, interesting city that feels very safe. It doesn’t appear to be all that rich, lots of buildings are old and run-down but everyone is friendly and full of character, and it feels a hell of a lot safer than Manila.

We’re staying in a very nice hotel overlooking the beach, and the weather is stunning, warm to hot but very dry which is a nice heat.

Have one funny story - the taxi drive to Herzilia cost exactly 150.3 shekels. It’s around 4 shekels to 1 usd. I had 150 shekels and some 100 shekel notes. I gave the taxi driver 150 shekels and went to get out of the cab to grab my bags. He didn’t move. I came back to ask him to open the trunk and he was waiting patiently. I couldn’t work out what was going on until I realised he was waiting for the 0.3 shekels, about 8 cents. I handed him a 100 shekel note and he quickly handed me 99.7 shekels in change and went to grab my bags. That’s just how they roll here. I’m guessing tipping is not big either.

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a forgettable november…?

Getting my ass handed to me online this week so that can mean only one thing: It’s Movie Time!

I had Curb Your Enthusiam in my “To Watch” list but after seeing this clip sent to me by Boondy, I’ve moved it straight to the top of the list.

Unfortunately Curb is taking weeks to download so been watching a heap of movies in the meantime. I can’t do funny movie reviews like Jethro so I’ll just do serious ones. Fortunately for you, my taste in movies is impeccable…

Old Boy - this movie was recommended to me by Arulx. It starts slow but turns into an absolutely brilliant, original film. It’s really fantastic. A man is imprisoned for 15 years in solitary confinement without explanation and, upon his release, seeks revenge and makes some shocking discoveries. They should show this movie to high school kids. Korean with subtitles. Absolute genius - 8.5/10

Breakfast at Tiffany’s - Audrey Hepburn in her most adorable role ever. So close to making my Top 5 list but they screwed a couple things up, like retarded attempts at humour with a deformed Asian man. Despite these flaws, the script-writing is wonderful, and Audrey is just magical. 7.5/10

Se7en - I’d never seen this film, it had been on my list for years. It’s fantastic. Brad Pitt has some limitations as an actor, but Morgan carries him through. Kevin Spacey is, as always, fagfreakingtacular. 7.5/10

The Name of the Rose - Very anti-Catholic film set in the days of The Inquisition, so already I was hooked. Sean Connery plays a detective monk and a young Christian Slater as his rat-tag apprentice. Enjoyable movie with good script writing but I think they could have made it a lot better. 7/10

Beyond Borders - This movie didn’t do anything for me. Maybe I’m just getting older and colder and more cynical, but a poorly written love story is what it amounted to IMO. No chemistry between Jolie and Clive Owen. Not painful to watch, just didn’t grab me. 4/10

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october results, more usd/aud gheyness…

October was a pretty good month for poker, won about 30k online, lost 10k sports and flips and expenses, and of course, lost another 10k on the USD crash. Tony G called the USD a “3rd-world currency” on his blog, and I think that’s a pretty fair assessment. I’m numbed to the pain now, each month I lose another 10-15k on paper when I calc in AUD, its surreal.

2007 running online stats:

2/4nl - 5.7bb/100
3/6nl - 5.8bb/100
5/10nl - 3.5bb/100
10/20nl - 3.3bb/100 (includes shortstacking)

(other small samples - includes a lot of drunken shortstacking)
15/30nl - minus 2.8bb/100
20/40nl - minus 1.1bb/100
25/50nl - minus 1.6bb/100
50/100nl - minus 40.5bb/100

—

Melbourne taxi drivers are nuts. They are the weirdest people ever. I like to sit in the front of taxis as I don’t mind a chat, but Melb taxi drivers are insane, they really freaked me out to the point where I would sit in the back and pretend to be asleep. They make Manila taxi drivers look professional.

My taxi driver to the airport kept going on and on about high finance and giving me his broken English advice about investments and his opinions on all current affairs. He was beyond retarded, I invited him to post on JokerNetwork as he’d fit right in.

My taxi driver to Crown the day before chewed my ears off the entire trip telling me his thoughts on gambling and trying to persuade me to give up this “evil” vice. He told me incredibly boring parables from his native Afghanistan which had no punch-lines and no message apart from “gambling is bad”.

It was good to be back in Australia for a bit, but there is something really weird about the Australian trait of espousing one’s retarded, ignorant (and sometimes racist) views on anyone who’ll listen. I’ve traveled all over the place and its definitely an Australian trait I think. Australia is full of broke people who think they are experts in everything. It would be amusing if it wasn’t so common. Ofc I’m mildly elitist, but surely if you’re stone cold broke and driving a taxi for $12/hour or whatever, isn’t this a massive banner saying “I really have no clue about anything”?

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