Christchurch BZP Wedding Mutant Behaviour Awesomeness…

Finally arrived in freezing but idyllic Christchurch after a 28 hour ordeal. My friends were supposed to meet me at airport about 7 hours before I arrived but gave up and I wasn’t able to get messages through to them for variety of reasons. They caught up to me at hotel around 9pm just when I desperately wanted to sleep and easily convinced me to come out for a big pre-wedding night which I had reservations about, not wanting to be a wedding mutant the next day. I was quickly convinced to join them however when I was reminded that BZP is legal in NZ.

BZP is a nasty little drug that is illegal in Aust/US/UK and godammit should be illegal in NZ too. Those readers who know me would know of course that I absolutely never take illicit substances and do not condone the use of such substances, but if the NZ government says its ok to take BZP, who was I to argue? The government always knows best.

This is an example of the dozens of stores where you can legally buy BZP pills and powder.

Ex-Melb poker players Andrew and Shane live in Christchurch now and hooked us up with a good night out. The girls in Christchurch are…um…yeah - I think the cute ones all fly to Auckland or Aust as soon as they graduate high school.

We had a lot of fun anyway and then back in hotel room, one of my mates decided it would be a good idea to snort some Valium/Stilnox lines to help us sleep. I got knocked out cold and missed out on subsequent adventures.

We awoke the next day with a couple hours till the wedding totally wrecked. I was operational but only barely, one of my mates couldn’t even stand up. We had a quick conference and decided the only way we’d get through the day would be to do some more sleazy BZP for an energy kick. This helped us a great deal but probably was a bad idea in hindsight.

The wedding itself was beautiful. Tim and Hayley are a wonderful couple with two gorgeous little sons, and the day went off without a hitch.

I did my best to behave myself and received restocking of BZP from some hookups at the wedding (thanks Jocelyn), others got involved in the madness as well which was good as some negative attention got diverted away from my mutant behaviour. The Beere family knows what to expect of me at these sorts of things, having put up with me since I was 14, but its possible some of the bride’s family was offended by my speech heckling and drinking out of wine bottles and dancing on chairs and tables. But all in all, I think I didn’t do too badly all things considered.

I used to chase Tim’s little brother Pef around the house when we were kids and give him severe, deserved beatings whenever he had to nerve to beat me on computer games but Pef is all grown up now with a little daughter and sporting an absolutely horrendous goatee. I spent most of the night trying to convince him and the mother of their little daughter that they need to change her name from Kelly to Cailin (as mean girls might call her Smelly Kelly at school), even offering large bribes. They weren’t interested. I offered my services as godfather, but was politely rebuffed. Highly offended, I then spent the late hours convincing Charlie (Tim and Pef’s father) that he was a wonderful father and shouldn’t blame himself that his youngest son ended up gay with a goatee.

The speeches were generally excellent although the MC was a very nice guy but was incredibly boring. I was placed at the Ghetto table right at the back which was a very smart move from the organisers. I decided if the MC cracked any more lame jokes, I was going to launch candy artillery fire at him from the back of the room and everyone started donating wedding candy for my stockpile. I only ended up firing one barrel which hit the father of the groom on the back of the head, friendly fire and avoidable in these sorts of wars - he understood of course.

The best speech of the night came from our table as people gathered around to hear Matt Crank give a poetic half-hour rendition of our young adult years which was possibly the greatest speech ever made in history, pausing only to eat strawberries from other peoples’ plates and fake flowers from the table arrangements and the odd random bark at nothing in particular.

I then spent some enjoyable time filling in the wedding comments book with hi-larious comments which weren’t so hilarious in hindsight (I may have labeled Hayley a “gold-digger” in one of them but no one will ever know it was me). All in all, it was a wonderful day and my behaviour can’t have been too bad, as I got an invite to the legendary Beere family Xmas party which usually results in excellent debauchery and fun, even if there will be no home-made slippery slide this year due to canal shark deaths nearby but we’ll see about that.

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