dmz awesomeness…

After 3 hours of beautiful sleep last night, Gaz rudely woke me as promised at around 10am to get up and go check out the Demilitarized Zone on a tour. I laughed as I promised him I would get up straight away but of course I had absolutely no intention of doing anything else but falling right back to sleep. The hotel called through with a wake-up call 5min later and I took that as an omen that I should wake up and check out the DMZ, which is something I’ve always been interested in.

After 90 min of waiting in the lobby, our tour guide Julie finally arrived and we shipped off for the long bus ride up to the North Korean border. Julie tilted me at first, but she became very entertaining as time passed. She rattled on non-stop even though her English was not that great - I admired her pluck. We stopped at the most boring place in the world, a staging area for our incursion into the DMZ. We lost 2 people there, unexpected early casualties as a result of them not being able to understand Julie’s ETD instructions. Julie freaked out and started panicking, she gets very nervous when she gets near the DMZ and was blaming herself and being very neurotic so I tried to comfort her as we needed her to lead us on. After half an hour, we found the MIA american kids and continued on our mission.

We merged with another tour group at this stage and Julie was unimpressed to find the other tour guide was also called Julie. She annouced loudly that she would now be “Julie 1″ with the other guide to be addressed as “Julie 2″. I asked why the other guide couldn’t be Julie 1, and our Julie barked at me in frustration “I AM JULIE 1, OK!!” I cowered at this like a North Korean peasant and sank back into my seat.

We cruised into the tourist area where the Third Tunnel of Aggression tours are held. The Third Tunnel was one of four tunnels “found” by South Korean troops, ostensibly dug by North Korean forces as part of an invasion plan. I have my doubts about that, as the “evidence” presented was less than convincing. Whoever dug these tunnels did a bang up job though, the Third Tunnel is over 3km long and descends down 50m below the surface. We were told to leave our cameras, I followed the rules and then felt stupid when I saw everyone ignored the strict rules and were taking awesome photos in the long tunnels. The whole tunnel walk was a brutal adventure - had I known invading the South was going to be so much effort, I would have stayed above ground, or at least brought more comfortable shoes. After I cracked my head for the 5th time on the 5ft high ceiling, I asked Julie 2 who I should sue if I get a neck injury - North Korea or South Korea? She wasn’t helpful.

Back on the bus, some of the less patriotic members of our party questioned the validity of the claims that the North built these tunnels. Julie 1 was obviously horrifed. She is very much “South Korea AWESOME North Korea EVIL” and immediately tried to stamp out this rebellion, reminding us of the hard evidence the South Korean Tourist board posted explaining the three hard facts proving the North built the tunnels. She asked the group to volunteer these hard facts, offering gum to anyone who got it right. I really wanted some gum, so I came to her defence explaining to the simpletons in the group that the signs clearly stated that the rocks were painted with black coal even though there wasn’t any coal there, and obviously no one else could have done that but the North Koreans. Julie 1 didn’t really like my answer and didn’t want to give me any gum.

I was a little disillusioned after the Third Tunnel of Aggression, and took my frustration out on the Ball of Peace.

My relationship with Julie 1 was under some strain after this, so I turned to Julie 2 for leadership. Despite my early support for Julie 2 in the number-attributing political machinations, she didn’t put up with any of my shenanigans, and kept her watchful eye on me, but I think a mutual respect grew between us and we were able to work together in time.

We moved on to the DMZ Theatre where we were shown an absolutely fanfreakingtastic propaganda film. I loved this film so much. It opened with a cute little girl crying in a rice field and then cut to images of North Korean missile tests. The narrator was fantastic and used lots of emotive, dramatic language which resulted in me hating the North for making the cute little girl cry. The film finished on a bright note though, saying peace and reconciliation was inevitable and that the DMZ was no longer a symbol of conflict but a symbol of peace and tranquility with “man and nature living together as one” (as a computerized butterfly sailed across the screen). Even though the 1,000,000 troops currently stationed near the DMZ tend to discredit the narrator’s optimism, overall I thought the film was 8020 and it deserved a standing ovation.

This is a picture of APPT Chinese Poker champion Gaz fondling a statue outside the DMZ Theatre.

Julie 1 then told us about how the young men in North Korea were forced to do nine years of military service and could marry only after they did their nine years, when they were old men (she pointed at Graeme Putt when she said old men, which the immature members of our party found hilarious). Julie 1 then said after the men finished their nine years military service, they could dig themselves a little hole and live there with their wives and be simple peasant farmers. I had my doubts about this, but Julie 1 was very adamant so I found myself really hating the evil North Koreans. Julie 1 told us how millions of people were misplaced and men fled to South Korea when war broke out and were cut off from their wives. This is obviously tragic and I told Julie 1 about this movie I saw where these East Germans built a hot air balloon to sail across the Berlin Wall. I asked Julie 1 if any of these displaced men had done that to get back to their wives as it worked great in the movie I saw. Julie 1 said my idea was not practical and no one had done it. I told her I just wanted to help the men get back to their wives in North Korea and she was horrified that anyone would WANT to go *back* to North Korea. After some thought, I added, “Unless they found better wives in South Korea…?” and she smiled and seemed to like that thought.

We continued on to the viewing area at the top of a hill where we could look out onto North Korean soil. Here is a pic of me looking pretty sexy obv contemplating my hot air balloon idea. I think the logistics are very feasible, and even if it didn’t work out, it would be a lot of fun, so long as you took up a nice bottle of champagne and a continental breakfast with you on the flight.

Things were pretty tense with the armed forces stationed there obviously, these guys are trained killers ready to spring into action at a moment’s notice once they usher the next group of tourists through. They didn’t have much time for me, but after Julie had a quick private word with one of the officers, he agreed to let me be in a photo with him.

When it was time to leave, both Julie 1 and the officer were nowhere to be found. We were all looking for Julie 1 and the officer’s troops were all looking for him. Things were falling apart at the border, tourists were piling up, chaos and mass destruction seemed inevitable. Eventually, Julie 1 emerged from behind some barracks chewing gum. Gaz made some hilarious remarks which I think were insensitive and inappropriate and unfair to Julie 1. Sure, the situation looked bad, but Gaz had no hard evidence and I don’t think its fair for Julie 1’s good name to be sullied with such circumstantial innuendo.

I accused Gaz of wanting to defect to North Korea with Julie 1 and he didn’t deny, proving my suspicions correct. Later, he told me my hot air balloon idea was a good one, so I think we will see Gaz buying curtain material and propane in the near future.

After what really ended up being a fantastic day, we began the long ride back to Seoul. I think Julie 2 was sad to see me go, but these South Korean girls play their cards pretty close to their chests, so I may have misread that situation. Inspired by Jethro’s KL plane strategy, I locked up the back row of the bus and drifted off to sleep on the ride home. Julie 1 woke us all up when we reached Seoul to visit an amethyst factory, which I thought was a nice touch right in theme with our day, but no one was sucked in by that little Surfers Paradise scam so poor Julie 1 didn’t get any amethyst commission today.

All in all, it was a wonderful day and made me realise that South Korea is really a shining example of democracy and freedom.

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seoul riggdness…

Busted out of Main Event pretty early today, I started a bit short but felt pretty good about my chances as I have a lot of short-stack play under my belt so was ready to pick some good spots and build. Spent the first 90 min folding, couldn’t find a playable hand (I can be nitty but I’m talking about anything like 64s in SB to CO/Button raise is a monster - couldn’t get anything - of course everyone else waking up with AA/KK and minraising obv, it was pretty sexy stuff).

After hour and half, antes/blinds starting to eat a bit and I’m down to 17k when its folded to me in the CO. I have 44 which is the best hand I’ve seen in the day, and the two blinds players are super tight and weak. I open to take the blinds/antes and if either of the blinds raise me, I have to fold. Button is very loose and if he raises me, I think I have to call as he’s already pushed his short stack over quite a lot of late position raises. I decide its worth the gamble and open, button insta-pushes his 15k. Obv spot not great but I think I have to call so I do. He has JJ and I’m left with 2k and its basically all over. I have a really bad record on Day 2’s of tourneys, I’ve never done well on a 2nd day. I don’t know if its a bad play what I did, but its just not in me to openfold a pair in CO, I just can’t play that way. I think the call vs the loose short stack is ok, I think his range there is pretty wide, I don’t really know, tourneys are a bit weird. Maybe I could have nursed a little bit longer as blinds/antes ground into me but meh - tourneys are gay. If open-folding 44 in the CO is correct whatever, I can’t openfold there. There’s some really terrible players with massive stacks left, but that’s the way these things go I suppose. Rekrul is a machine and he’s gonna crush the final table tomorrow unless he runs pretty bad.

—-

Russian tourney started a few hours later which I was pretty excited about - actually, its the main reason I ended up coming to Seoul. Very little interest in the tourney though unfortunately. Traheho the wimp must have been tilted and flew out or something as he was no-show. I convinced my mate Gaz to play and we started with a total of 5 players. Everyone was pretty drunk and in jovial spirits but the tourney was a shitfight. The TD had no real clue what was going on, the dealer had never dealt Russian, everyone except me decided to play without bonus points which I think is retarded as I got out-voted. I think that situation is a bit ridiculous as if 90% of the players showed up to a HE tourney and voted to make straights beat flushes, no way does the TD just change the rules of the game - these things aren’t an election. As everyone was in jovial spirits, and it was just a little fun tourney, I agreed to the dumb rule change.

Once we got things underway and after I had to crack the whip on the lazy TD, things progressed a bit more smoothly. Carlene from Crown (now from PokerStars) did a great job with the timer and with drink ordering and we got smashed pretty quickly. Carlene doesn’t muck around. Most idiots like myself order 1 or 2 drinks at a time - Carlene orders 10 at a time which is obv best line. Hiroshi was first out, and despite being an almost unbackable favourite leading into the event, I ran sick bad to get eliminated next. It got HU between Potter and Gaz with Gaz down to 50 chips (Potter had 9950). As only Gaz can do, he won 90% of hands from that point to win the title.

I run pretty bad on house edge, and this trip has cost me around 8k but its been ok. Less jokers here than at most tourneys, so tilt has been kept to a minimum, even though I die a little inside whenever someone hands me a bill. This city is really expensive, I could never live here.

I’m going to the DMZ tomorrow which I’m pretty excited about. I hope war breaks out, should be fun…

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seoul appt…

So of course I ended up going to Seoul even though I swore never to play another tournament again. My oaths are not worth much obv.

After racing through Manila traffic to get to the airport on time after totally pwning traheho in Russian online, I find my plane is delayed by an hour. Standard. I go to the Emirates lounge to jump online, lose 1500 in half hour to traheho, tilt. In this really tricky hand, the bus boy clearing the tables stops to chat with me, even though I’m obv busy. I always try to be polite (especially on JokerNetwork) but I was concentrating hard on the hand, running out of time, and I ignored him to concentrate. I realise its rude to ignore people talking to you, but I think its rude to harass someone who is working on something, and two rudes make a polite. The bus boy read my ignoring him as saying “hey why don’t we have a chat about really boring generic questions” like “Where are you flying to today Sir?” and “What’s your name?” and “What are you doing on your computer?” Bad read bus boy, bad read. He then touched me to get my attention which I hate, can’t stand random touchy people - wtf? I will never understand why people touch people they don’t know. I screwed the hand bad as a result, costing myself $600 and maybe I was a bit harsh after, but I think he learned a valuable lesson that day - wipe tables, stay quiet, don’t touch and disturb random strangers especially if they’re tilting. Not unreasonable I think. I can’t stand retarded unnecessary boring small talk, it tilts me bad. I felt bad though cause he looked like he was about to cry so I tipped him his weekly salary when I left. When I worked in a cocktail bar, so long as people tipped big, they could basically say and do whatever they liked.

Manila airport is the most retarded airport ever. I would wager dirt airstrips in the Congo are more efficient than Manila airport. If you consider yourself a Zen master, I suggest you test yourself with Ninoy Aquino airport in Manila, its ridiculous. The airport in KL is the greatest airport I’ve ever seen, its amazing. People think Changi in Singapore is a good airport but those people haven’t been to KL. KL airport pwns Changi. We walk past a massage place in KL aiport named “Stress-Free Massage” and Jethro says “That’s the most redundant store in the world.” We were so relaxed by the awesome efficiency we almost missed our plane.

I arrived in Seoul and discovered it might be the most expensive city in the world. Very few people speak English which results in some tilting situations for a dumb foreigner like me who can’t communicate. I decided I was not baller enough to pay the $140 cab fare from airport to city, so went off in search of a bus. Quite the adventure at 6am in the morning after a red-eye flight.

I arrived 2 hours later at the Sheraton, which is really a great hotel, but everything is joke expensive. I tried to check-in 4 hours early and was told I would need to pay a full day’s rate to do so. I stormed off to the casino next door on principle, knowing I would lose a lot more than it would cost me to check in 4 hours early and sleep.

No poker games going, lost 2k riggd blackjack, returned to hotel 2 hours before check in to kill time in lobby. Bought a coffee, got the bill: $20 usd. Awesome. Wireless didn’t work so I went to business centre, jumped online. After 20 min, I heard an American guy complain about the size of his net bill, and I thought I’d better log off JokerNetwork. 20 min net: $35 usd. Awesome. You’d have to be a millionaire to live in this city.

——–

Slept and woke up for the PokerStars party which was suprisingly good, as far as these things go. They had these $30 Kobe one-inch mini burgers there for free, so I ate 8 of them. Thank you PokerStars. They were the most sexy burgers I’ve ever eaten.

Got pretty drunk, main event the next day so I decided to get some more sleep but got into a Russian game online with my mate Scotty and peddled him for 4k which was hot, I run good in Russian now.

——-

Got to bed very late but woke up feeling healthy for the tourney for a change. Got a really easy table straight up, peddled my way to about 20k when I maybe made a big mistake but it worked out great for me. This fish got moved to our table and open limped every single hand. He limpcalled my raise when I had AQ and the flop came As-2s-6d. I bet, he minraised, I looked at his stack which looked pretty small so 3bet allin. He insta-calls and drags out a stack of 1k chips hidden behind his greens. I felt sick, I’ve just put in something like 200bb with TP2K and he insta-called my 3bet. Turns out he just had flush draw, blank-blank and I go to chip leader in the tourney.

Our table goes down to 6 players for awhile and I was able to play a bit more comfortably - full ring is really hard, I am donkey in FR. I get up over 55k about half way through the day when things start getting tougher when people start playing back at me which is never good.

I lose a bit back, go to dinner with the PokerNews guys ($200 mains - good food but ridiculous expensive, fancy food is wasted on me, I am a Philistine - thanks Gaz for dinner anyway), get back to my awesome soft table to find we’re breaking. I move to my new table with 40k where a young shaggy-haired, bearded guy is playing super laggy but I can tell very quickly he’s got a bit of something going on which is disconcerting for me as I suck bad against good lags.

I tell myself not to tangle with him as he is very smooth, very aggressive, impossible to read. I’ve busted out of some many tournaments trying to play back at good lags, its sick. As luck would have it, this guy turns out to be 2+2 legend Rekrul who won a wsop HU bracelet this year. Of course when I find that out, I get all giddy like a schoolgirl, but I try to be James Cox baller cool cause I want him to like me. Usually, this means I try not to say much, so I just mostly stayed quiet as he pummeled the table. He smashed our table to bits, opening 50% of hands pre but always seeming to have the goods when people make a stand, and managing to get people to stack off in massive pots with air against him, usually a sign of a pretty good player and something I can almost never achieve.

Of course I get endless rags whenever facing good lags, and not wanting to be another of his victims I mostly stayed out of his way, playing really embarassingly nitty and pulling only the very rare 3bet and a couple squeeze plays, desperating trying to hold on to my 40k stack. With 2 min left in the day, he opened the button into my BB and I 3bet to 11k with air thinking he would assume I would not make a move with so little time before the day ends, but he insta-pushes on me and I feel stupid and fold. I would bet a lot he had rags that hand as he seems to like to call 3bets a lot in position, so the 4bet push didn’t really make sense to me, but I had 7 high and good players like that just read your soul and punish you, its freaky. He might be an alien but I have no hard evidence either way.

So I head into day 2 a bit shortstacked with 25k (avg 35k I think). I’m not on Rekrul’s table tomorrow so I have an outside chance.

———-

Rekrul was telling me they have these clubs here called “booking clubs” which sound pretty fun. I don’t fully understand the concept but apparently normal girls (ie not working girls) go there knowing they will be dragged into random guys’ booths where I guess they get free drinks. I’ll investigate further and report….

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zomg chinese poker tourney appt seoul…

I had absolutely no intention of going to Seoul until I heard they were having a Chinese poker tourney - clearly I would be a crushing favourite in such a magnificent tourney.

Of course, I only found this out yesterday and looking at flights online today has sent me into mega-tilt very quickly.

Cebu Pacific seems to fly to everywhere in Asia except Seoul.

Local carriers have the worst online booking systems in the world. Take for example PhilippineAirlines website. If you can work out how to use this site to book a ticket, you are a far smarter person than I am - it has to be the most retarded site ever. I would like to btch slap the person who designed that website for being so retrded.

I know Korea Air flies Manila to Seoul but on their website, it seems they don’t allow that option online.

As my local travel agent wants me dead, and I’m too dumb to work out how to book an online ticket, I think everyone who plays that Chinese tourney is freaking lucky that I will be too lazy to hunt the jungles of Manila for (or waste time on phone tilt calling) a travel agent tomorrow. Traheho the sikkk Chinese fish luckbox will probably win it but the prick won’t sell me a piece. Rigggdd….

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KL awesomeness…

Kicked off to Kuala Lumpur on Friday for Chucky’s birthday bash. Spent a nervous taxi ride through traffic fully expecting my fat travel agent friend to have messed with our tickets. Had a pretty awesome taxi driver and spent the time on way to airport discussing animal fights. Our taxi driver was involved in rooster fighting (you can pick up a Class E cock for $200 - Marcus and I are gonna buy a rooster and become legendary Manila rooster fighters), dog fighting (this is a little too vicious for my likings, but our taxi driver fights pit bulls and great danes) and the sickest of the lot, stallion fighting. Apparently what they do is they get a filly between two stallions, the stallions get all excited then they let the stallions loose and they fight for up to an hour with lots of kicking and biting, before one stallion runs away and lets the winner have his way with the filly.

The 3 of us arrived at the chaos which is Ninoy Aquino airport to find our tickets were still valid and we progressed fairly smoothly through Philippines immigration (only took about 40min in line so we were already upswinging). Our flight was very smooth, with Jethro being the crafty traveller that he is, locking up a 5-seat row to sleep the entire flight.

Meanwhile, I was getting my ass handed to me by Marcus playing Chinese - he run sick goot and I suck unless playing online.

Marcus had lived in KL before and loved it, but it was Jethro’s and my first time there. I thought KL would be poor, maybe something like Manila but I was in for a big surprise. The city is rich, clean, efficient, logical and almost tilt-free, its really amazing. Most of my photos are crap cause my Nokia phone camera sucks, but Marcus took some good shots, so I’ll put up some more photos later.

Malaysia is obviously fairly religious (Muslim) and somewhat restrictive, but I loved it anyway. A huge % of the girls wear hijabs and a lot of them get into hijab fashion with funky colours matching their designer purses and jeans. We had interactions with many people and found them friendly, competent and honest - a far, far cry from Manila.

We were only there for a short time so Marcus, being a KL veteran, became our wonderful tourist guide. As we passed what clearly was a 100-year-old palace or building, I asked Marcus what it was. He looked at it, and said, “Dunno - must be new.” (we found out later it was Old Parliament House).

Friday night we hit the clubs and found some pretty amazing clubs with lots of cute girls that didn’t give me the time of day.

Chucky’s Sat night party was hot but I got smashed and don’t remember much. I remember there being some cute girls, lamb chops so good I resorted to stealing them off strangers’ plates, lots of ridiculous drinking, a girl in an army cap who I saluted smartly and then fell in love with, lots of ridiculous drinking, some nasty 151 shots, people drinking scotch out of the bottle, and I’m drawing a blank….maybe the boys’ pics will jog my memory.

…to be continued…

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manila travel agent tilt…

So I’m flying to Kuala Lumpur on the weekend for Chucky Chua’s birthday bash and I’m booking tickets for myself, Jethro and Marcus. I’m very excited as I haven’t seen funny Chucky in awhile and I’ve always wanted to check out Malaysia and am in desperate need of a holiday.

I check online flights and find Cebu Pacific flights to KL for about $120 return but flying at really bad times, like 1am-5am both ways. I don’t want to fly at 1am-5am both ways so decide to go against my better judgement and head into the Manila jungle. I head down to a local travel agent and ask him for quotes on cheapest flights to KL. “For awhile sir for awhile”. He spends 15min on his Commodore 64 as I patiently wait as he sorts through the disaster on his desk for codes and numbers.

Here are some pictures I took whilst I was waiting. Note the fat guy in the background of the 2nd pic, he is the owner of the store and plays a prominent role in this story in time.

After restarting his 1998 computer a couple times, he finally gets me some quotes and calculates the fare for 3 tickets. He says the total fare will be about $380 return on Malaysia Air, a bit more expensive than Cebu but with really good flying times in the middle of the day. As I am (slowly) learning the ways of this city, I have learned that no question is too stupid, and you need to confirm everything multiple times. I ask him, “This is TOTAL fare right?” He’s says, “Yes, total.” I say, “So each individual ticket is about $130?” He says, “Yes.” I say, “And this includes all taxes, I don’t want any surprises.” He’s says, “Yes total fare, all inclusive!” - he is clearly getting frustrated at this stupid Westerner but I’ve learned you can’t be too careful here with these types of things.

I say, “Ok I’ll take those tickets, I’ll pay now.” He tells me he can’t issue the tickets without photocopies of all our passports. I tell him to book/hold the tickets and I’ll return with the photocopies. I return this morning with photocopies of everyone’s passports and money to pay for the tickets. He says, “Ok that will be $1400.” I’m like, “Huh? You said the total price would be $380 yesterday.” He says, “I never said any such thing.” I pull out the paper where he wrote “$380″ and next to the number is block letters TOTAL which I wrote when I was asking my safety questions. He says, “I never wrote that, but yesterday when I spoke to you, I was saying each fare was $450. The price is now $1400 for 3 tickets.”

I am beyond angry. This type of thing happens so much to me here, its frankly ridiculous. I storm out of the store and head back to my apartment to book the Cebu tickets. Cebu flights are now sold out. I’m beyond tilted. Not wanting to give him any commission, I go to Malaysia Air site to buy the expensive tickets. The website is having difficulties and I am unable to buy the tickets after some time and much tilt. I call Malaysia Air office in KL a number of times but can’t get through. Disgusted at being forced to do this, I return to the moron travel agency to pay them for the tickets. The guy then tries to scam me with some multiple accounting of various “taxes”, acting all embarassed when I catch him in the scam as if its some big mistake. He then tries to scam me calculating the exchange rate on his calculator and pretends to be all embarassed when I catch him in the scam as if its all some big mistake.

I’m beyond tilted already at this stage. I’ve been in the store for half an hour already when we finally sort out all his little scams, and I pay him for the tickets. He takes my money, locks it in the safe, goes away for 5 min, comes back and says the office printer is broken and he can’t print my tickets. “STOP F ME AROUND!”, I yell at him. My yelling seemed to make the printer work, as he goes away and comes back with the printed tickets. He says he is not allowed to give me the tickets by law unless I give him photocopies of the passports. I pull out the photocopies and hand them to him. He says, “Oh no I need photocopies of Last Arrival Date so you don’t have to pay an extra tax of $40 per person.” I’m beyond tilted. I say, “Ok, I will return with the photocopies you never said I needed for this supposed tax - give me my money in the meantime.” He says he can’t give me my money back, as the tickets are printed and non-refundable. I say, “OK MORON GIVE ME MY TICKETS THEN!” He says he can’t give me the tickets until I show him photocopies of Last Arrival Date. I’m having trouble coping with this endless bs and I’m ready to start a bloodbath.

We go around like this for awhile with my anger rising. I say, “Ok fine, I can’t deal with this nonsense anymore, I’ll go get the photocopies of Last Arrival Date and no, I won’t pay your little bs scam supposed tax.” An hour or so later, Jethro’s wonderful maid brings the photocopies and I head down with her to the travel agent. The guy looks at the photocopies and says, “No I can’t see the printing well enough.” Trust me, the photocopies were of fantastic quality and the arrival date was CLEARLY marked on both copies. I am so sick of these morons and this scam, I’ve simply had enough. I forget that Jethro’s sweet maid is there and I just start yelling at these scum, one of the fat guy’s employees has the tickets that I’ve already paid for in her hand, and I’m yelling at her to give me them, and the fat guy is yelling at her not to. They are trying to extort another $50 out of me before he’ll give me the tickets. I cut sick, call him many rude names, all of which are totally justified. He is yelling at me to sit down (wtf?) and I’m sick of morons telling me to sit down while they take half an hour to do something that should take 10 seconds. I yell at him with some very colourful language but the gist was that I didn’t want to sit down and I may have compared him to some insulting things, and may or may not have alluded to his inability to skip a meal - everything I said was justified.

At this, everything explodes, the fat guy tries to jump the counter to kill me but he can’t get over. He’s screaming and blubbering spittle as he yells how he’s going to kill me. He runs around the counter to get me and I run out of the store, only realising that I’ve left Jethro’s sweet maid in there, all my money and the tickets.

Realising I’ve really managed to screw up this one, I head back in full of apologies, saying I’ll pay his $50 ‘tax’, he’s still screaming at me, but I pay the girl the $50, and kinda grab the tickets out of her hand, grabbing Jethro’s maid (who smiled her way through the entire thing, darling that she is) and make a hasty retreat with lots of apologies. He’s yelling about how he’s going to kill me still and that he’s going to call the police to arrest me for insulting the Philippines (is that a crime?) and as he leaves, I hear him yell “We may be poor but we have our pride!”…which is funny cause he owns a big travel agency, he’d be way richer than I am. And he’s not even Filipino, he’s Arabic and talks with a think Arabic accent as he’s yelling at me to leave “his” country before he kills me.

I insulted him for lying to me non-stop, trying to scam me a number of times, and generally being a dirty piece of shit. I never insulted him for being poor and any perceived country-related insults would have been inadvertent along the lines of “I’m so sick of this kind of scamming bs in this country!” or something like that.

Anyway, all things considered, I didn’t end up too badly. I am still alive, Jethro’s maid is alive and smiling, I got totally ripped off and scammed but what else is new, I lost about 4 hours of my life on pure painful tilt on these tickets but what else is new, I now have the tickets and will be heading to KL tomorrow. Unless he is angry enough at me to mess with the tickets (guess we’ll find out tomorrow, hopefully I won’t be facing a very angry Jethro and Marcus at Manila Airport), all things considered, things should be ok.

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