i pwn jacks or better 8020…

So I spent most of the day sorting out passport stuff with the Australian Embassy in Washington. Ran around like a chicken with feet cut off all day trying to get photos, print off passport application, find Fedex place in Vegas etc. Finally got it all done, had to send them $300 though thanks to moron in LA immigration who ripped out my photo page.

Ran bad all day till I found a Kinkos which really is like a heavenly place of competence. Got passport photos done, printed off all forms, overnight Fedex to Washington and headed back to Rio sunburnt but much relieved at having completed my mission.

Was feeling lucky after finding Kinkos, so thought I’d spoil myself with a couple free drinks and some Jacks or Better at the Hooker Bar at Rio near the craps tables. Obviously, this is 4pm in afternoon and hookers don’t punch their timecards for that bar until about 11pm, or so I hear.

So the other day I was explaining how I pretty much rock at Jacks or Better Video Poker. Unlike the morons on JokerNetwork, I don’t talk shit. Well sometimes perhaps, but not today.

I was down a little bit playing $5 a hand, when I picked up As-Ks-Ts-4s-Ah. Tough decision, do I hold the Aces, go for the flush, or wave my Pedro in the wind and hold the 3-card Royal draw. As I’ve previously stated, in stressful situations like this, I always think WWJAZCD (what would James Alexander Zero Cox do)? I’m pretty sure Zero would obviously go for the more baller option, which is to hold the Royal draw for the $4000 payoff. Holding the Aces gets my $5 back with shot at trips, full or quads, but quads only pays $125 and no girls ever slept with Zero for $125 let me tell you. Girls like bling and ding. Only way to get bling and ding is to go baller. Holding the flush felt a little bisexual, like a compromise, so of course I was leaning towards that option. I asked my fellow JOB players sitting at the bar for their opinion. Most of them were sick nits and advised me to hold the Aces, so I dismissed them off-hand. A security guard walked past, and entered into discussion. He advised me to go for the Royal. I liked the cut of his jib so to the moans of the nits at the bar, I held the As-Ks-Js and closed my eyes. DING DING DING, of course I hit Royal.

I didn’t have camera with me to catch the excitement at the Hooker Bar, but the bastards taxed me $1200 from my fortune, so here is a picture of the IRS “we get to screw you cause you are stupid and we are all powerful 8020″ receipt.

I now have 2 of these receipts after hitting a JOB Royal at the Hooker Bar last year. Last year, I tried to claim that TonyG was bankrolling me for JOB so I could sign winnings over to him, but the Rio crafty Slots attendants weren’t buying it. Those guys know the score. They weren’t born tomorrow.

I shipped the security guard 100 and graciously offered to buy the entire bar a drink (drinks are free in Vegas), and then I wandered off over to the Craps table to par-lay-hey.

Was up about $3000 and pressing hard every hand, like a honest-to-god craps professional like TJ Cloutier. Had rolled 3 points (5, 5 and 4), had about 2500 on the table and the casino mature ladies were just starting to get interested in me, wandering over to see if they can scam a few bucks off this young stranger for a pokies tilt, when I crapped out. Pretty sick beat. Had only 1 number which kills me, and 11 which make me richer, of course the 1 number comes up. Story of my life. Can’t get a break.

When I add my skill winnings today with my blackjack exploits from the other night at the Hux bachelor mansion, I might even be able to afford to fly home once Rio runs out of No. 10 by Tanqueray - speaking of No. 10, normally if I am lucky enough to go on a date, I always hope she spikes my drink with GHB or Rohypnol, but I reckon No. 10 would do the trick just fine and has the added bonus of being legal, even though it probably shouldn’t be, cause it can be used to date rape, which is never cool boys and girls, unless I’m the victim….

Here is pic of Gaz about to get punished being the house in home BJ game:

Here is a pic of Gaz’s face after his -4k shoe:

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leno - king of late night…

Leno is easily the best of the late night talk show hosts.

“The state of New York is making all strippers register for a license. What a relief. The last thing anyone wants is a lap dance from an unlicensed amateur!”

Link below Leno interviews OJ Simpson, Bill Clinton, George Bush and Michael Jackson.

Leno Interviews Celebrities - Watch more free videos

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jacks or better - going pro…

So I pretty much own JOB video poker. It’s basically the greatest casino game ever with the possible exception of craps. JOB definitely best online casino game there is.

Almost made $40,000 tonight if my 1 in 48 shot hit. Had to dump my $300 pat flush for the Jc shot, which sucked.

Of course, riggd joke misses my Jc but one day I’m gonna hit it…

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running so f good…

So I pretty much hate live poker more than anything else in the world, and no one will come get smashed with me as everyone is playing this stupid WSOP Main Event thing. So I’m kinda trapped in my room, normally that would be cool as I’ve just been drinking myself into a stupor after my Main Event wonderfulness, but the stupid Rio service staff hate making money and won’t refill my mini-bar until tomorrow, so I’m pretty much screwed now.

The internet here is not fast enough to download any movies or shows on Torrents, and I’ve read the two novels I brought with me, Salman Rushdie’s “Shalimar the Clown”, which pretty much sucks, and “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”, which tilted me into throwing it into the trash-can.

Pretty much out of options, having seen every movie on the hotel pay-per-view list, I was at my wits end so decided there was nothing left for it but to play online, which I’ve been too scared to do. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, when you run bad, omg do you run bad. But I was going stir-crazy so decided to tempt fate and play.

Of course, the US is pretty much retarded when it comes to online poker. The two main sites I play on are PartyPoker and Pacific, and of course, the chickenshit boards of directors for both those hitched up their skirts and ran for the hills when the UIGEA was passed, just so Mitch Garber and Levy can swing by the US for the Masters of Golf each year. So no Party, no Pacific. I decided to take my business to the real players, Stars and Full Tilt. But I didn’t have any money in there, so I logged onto my Neteller account to see how much I could deposit into Stars or FTP. Of course, I forgot Neteller is part of the wimp crowd, and my account was immediately locked as I’m in the US.

I remembered I had some cash in my Eurobet account so I logged on to play some Euro fish. Of course, I realised quickly that I had recently emptied my Eurobet account as they are closing all Asia-Pacific accounts. Can’t reload it of course because my Neteller account is locked.

Have a decent amount in my Eurolinx account, so decided to tango with some crazy Scando lags on Prima. Of course, that was a no-go, because Nicolaou permanently locked my laptop to his Prima alias when he used it last year, and since then can’t use Prima on laptop.

Then I remembered good old Bodog, logged in and found some money in there DING. Bodog players are freaking tough these days, but I was tilted enough to take them on. Got into a couple shorthanded 10/20 games, and one sick maniac was punishing me hard either hitting like a madman or more likely just taking pots off me when we both miss the board. He’s up about 700 on me, but I’m waiting patiently to trap him. Finally get a gin flop in a reraised pot. I have A9 and we get it all in on a A-K-9 flop. He has AQ. I’m thinking of some witty lines to type into chat to tilt him, when a King peels the river. Uh oh. $4600 pot shipped away. He then sits out of course, and I’m left facing a HU match with a guy even a World Champion like Joe Hachem couldn’t beat, so I chicken out and leave. Hate playing lower when stuck, so Bodog 5/10 nits don’t get my money today.

Of course, I’m now back where I started, bored out of my mind. I might go down and heckle people still in the Main Event or dump my remaining USD on a craps table. I love Vegas so much.

Speaking of Bodog, I went along with a friend to open casting for the Bodog reality show thing. I was extremely drunk, very tilted, and just sleep deprived enough to make a good impression, I figured. I aced the first stage and got sent through to the screen-test where I was probably a lock to get on the show, until the lady asked me to smile for the camera. I can’t do forced smiles, but I gave it my best attempt and tried to convince myself it would be ok. I reproduced the forced fake smile I gave the camera in the elevator on the way downstairs, and I can objectively tell you my forced smile makes me look like a kiddie fiddler. So no Bodog TV stardom for me.

So, right now, things are just….

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wsop main event day 1…

So I’ve just woken up. It’s 10pm here and I think I have sufficiently come to terms with what happened to be able to honestly and objectively relate my Day 1 experience without using too many expletives and curses.

I will preface this entry by swearing that every hand here is true, I swear on everything that is good and holy in the world, including the lives of people I care about (the amounts in hands to the best of my recollection).

I begin the day on a standard WSOP ME table, not as soft as last year, but there are no dangerous players. I begin dominating early, with lots of 3-betting and no one keen to challenge me really. First scary hand I played, I 3-bet 76cc on button to a CO openraiser, he called. Flop 9s-8s-2d. He donks tiny, I raise standard, he calls. Turn 2h. He donks about 30%, I raise pretty big (I put him on TT-KK) and really can’t see him calling a raise, as I’ve left a setup river all-in bet amount (which of course I’m not calling a 3-bet or putting in on the river unless I hit). He thinks for long time and folds and shows QQ, saying “Nice bet.” I say, “Nice escape.” I am pretty chuffed with myself and off and running.

Bill (Zimba on Cardrunners), Andrew (muddywater) and Taylor Caby (one of my heroes) come to my table to say Hi, which was pretty cool. The Cardrunners crew is pretty awesome, with Brian Townsend (sbrugby) often at the stall - I walked past a couple times like a stalker but didn’t have the guts to go up and say Hi to him even though I really wanted to.

Back to tourney, still Level 1. I pick up KK and openraise CO and button (very tight player) just calls. Flop is a little scary Jh-Th-3d (or something similar). I c-bet, tight player minraises me, I just call semi-reluctantly. Turn 9h (I have no heart). I check, tight player bets very small, I call reluctantly. River x non-heart, I check, he checks and shows QQh and I win a smallish pot which I’m pretty happy with on that ugly board.

Hijack openraises at 50/100 blinds, and I 3-bet 43ss on button, he calls. Flop 6h-5h-2d…ding. He leads out small donk, I raise standard, he lets it go, bit disappointing those spots, as those kind of flops can really get people to overplay their overpairs.

I’m up to over 30k now and raising pretty liberally, but these guys aren’t total donks and a couple have begun fighting back when I pick up AKcc on button, and 3-bet a CO open-raise. He calls. Flop A-Q-9r. Flop is check/check. Turn low card club, giving me TPTK and nut flush draw. He bets out about 40%. This is WA/WB scenario and I have nut flush draw, so don’t want to get 3-bet out of this turn, so I just call. I think there is good chance he has AQ or QQ. River Qc, giving me the nut flush. He leads out again about 20% (1400 - he has about 9000 behind), I decide I have to raise for value and do so to 4100, and he pushes, much to my dismay. I think its possible to let my nut flush go here, but the amount was pretty small for a pretty large pot, so I call the extra 5k and say, “Show me AQ”. He does. I’m down to about 17k now.

Get caught stealing a couple times, miss a few flops, win some flops with c-bets when I get a bit of a nice setup flop. I limp EP with 55, button limps, SB completes and BB checks. Flop is A-T-5 rainbow. SB/BB check, I lead, and this is where it gets a little interesting. Button (very tight player) raises smallish. SB, calling station, RE-RAISES. My gut says fold, my head says fold, but I take my time and think a bit. Both button and SB have to raise AA, although it’s possible SB might not raise TT. I decide I cannot fear the button player, and SB only hand to beat me is TT. I call, button drops out as expected. SB player is short and bets out half his stack, I put him in (leaving myself about 8k if I’m wrong), he calls and shows AT and he is eliminated. I’m back now to 30k plus and we go on our 2nd break.

I meet some people in the break and do the boring early stack comparing chat, with some boring renditions of non-interesting hands, which normally semi-tilts me but I’m feeling good and healthy today as I head back to the table for the start of Level 3 and 200/400 blinds. A young guy gets moved to my right, and begins to raise every hand. He gets involved in a pot preflop with AKo vs the tightest player on table who has KK. Flop T-3-2. Turn J. River Q. Tight quiet old gentlemen takes it very badly, but I empathise with him, although quietly glad the maniac won as this is good for the table.

New kid maniac raises 1600 UTG. Tight player cold-calls 1600 UTG+1. I am UTG+2 and find AA. I pop it to 5500. It’s folded around to UTG maniac who insta-pushes for 22,000. Other player gets out, and I call and show my AA. Maniac laughs and shows 88.

8 on the flop and I’m too stunned to follow rest of hand, but turn to see the 50k pot being slid to the maniac. I can take some sick shit and have lost 20k plus cash pots to sicker stuff than this last 3 months, but in the words of Boondy: “ARE YOU FUCKEN KIDDING ME?”

I will be lying if I said I was focused when the next hand was dealt. Very next hand, I am UTG+1 and find KK. My brain kicks into overdrive instantly and I tell myself I can double up quickly here as whole table (apart from maniac) is STILL offering condolences about the previous hand, and not-so-subtle remarks about the young kid who 4-bet AI with 88 UTG.

I have about 11k still and I pretend to be super-tilted and throw in a 2k raise. This didn’t require much acting on my part, I admit. As per plan, a very attentive player 3-bets me on the button, I say “fuck it” and push it in (probably get penalty if they still enforce that, but it didn’t matter in the end as he had AA). Board blanks and I go from being chip leader on a nice table to rail in space of 2 hands at 200/400 blinds 5min into Level 3.

I actually did put my lunch in the toilet and then fell asleep, waking up just now.

Every hand in this post is true. I hope Rhino takes Sklansky dollars.

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main event pain countdown…

So I went to the Bluff / Cardrunners party at Sapphire last night. Location was good, party was pretty lame. Lots of old guys. I had a few drinks with Rico over here from Brisbane, too dark to find anyone else I knew so I left early before the cute little strippers could get their hands on my wallet.

On way back to hotel, I bumped into PokerNews marketing director and King of JokerNetwork Gaz Edwards, so we had a few drinks and played some squeeze. Pure tilt ensued. “REDUCE for the love of god REDUCE.” “Player has 8.” “Shit.” Losses incurred pretty ugly but we run sick bad.

Went to craps, got carded by a cripple floor manager with attitude. More tilt ensued when the entire table kept crapping out, could never get a roll on. Got late night phone call from a friends room, the girl on the end of the line sounded decidedly whorey, but I thought I’d check out the festivities just in case. Walked in to find my mates drunk, with 3 heinous girls attempting to extract $800 EACH from them. I gave my thoughts on the business transaction (I may have advised the gentlemen they could get 10 times better for 10 times less money, making them 100 times stupid), and these comments were received poorly, so I retired in delight back to the sanity of my own room, where I slept like a baby with the magical touch of a much-needed Valium/Stilnox cocktail.

Woke up a bit early today, 2 hours till Main Event. Gonna go eat a joke massive breakfast and try not to arrive in the Amazon Room until the latest possible moment so that I am not forced to develop any small-talk relationships with poker jokes.

I’ll be back in a few hours to let you know how I busted out. I will try to make it interesting, but it will probably be surmised adequately with the Gaz elimination line “Fker called me.”

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