Bogans LOVE Australia Day!

“City boys say she fine and pretty
In the country boys say she fine and purrty.”

I’m a little sad now that Australia Day has come and gone. Australia Day is my 2nd favourite holiday! It’s almost as good as ANZAC Day, which I spend each year in the RSL taking money off old people playing Two-Up and pretending to believe WW2 auxillary forces veterans when they tell me they stormed Normandy in 1945.

I was really looking forward to Australia Day this year as the annual Cockroach Races were on at the Story Bridge Hotel here in Brisbane. But the crowd was already too big by the time we got there, and we missed the races. This was a pity, as I pretty much know more about cockroach racing than any of my friends, and I was looking forward to cleaning them out with sharp wagers. I did manage to get a picture of one of the fallen little gladiators (looking at his leg, I think it’s safe to assume number ‘37′ is NOT a lucky number):

Usually when I arrive somewhere, I search my close proximity for gingas. It’s not that I’m scared of them, it’s just that I think it’s a good idea to keep an eye on them. The first thing I noticed when arriving at the Australia Day celebrations was a complete lack of gingas. I mulled this over in my mind for some time, and came to the conclusion that gingas are unpatriotic.

I realised later that perhaps the 36 degree (Celcius) heat might have had something to do with their absence. They’re simply not built to handle the rough Queensland temperatures. Sure enough, when the sun set and the temperature cooled, the gingas came out in force. Just like vampires. It’s not that I’m trying to draw parallels between gingas and vampires - most gingas are hard-working honest citizens. It’s just that I read somewhere once that gingas were born without souls.

Mark Vos, who is definitely my favourite ginga, was a no-show early. He is DEFINITELY unpatriotic to Australia - this might have something to do with the fact that he is South African. Still, I was surprised he didn’t arrive early, as he is far tougher than your rank-and-file ginga (I once tricked Vos into sculling a ridiculously spicy chili alcoholic cocktail through a crafty scam, and he cracked me one when I was bent over laughing - I had a bruise on my back for weeks).

After watching www.highstakes.nu or “The Power of One” with wood in his panties all morning, he did eventually arrive with his girlfriend Carla, and when he did, he was accosted by his many fans. His WSOP win was reported in the local paper with the line, “A millionaire at 21 but he doesn’t have a girlfriend.” Awesome.

Fortunately for Carla, most of his adoring fans are guys. Here is a pic of some strangers who did the whole, “Oh my god! Are you Mark Vos?”

Whilst Vos was signing autographs, I became fascinated by the bogan zoo we found ourselves in. I decided to take some pictures. Check out the leopard spot outfit in the first pic - awesome. In the 2nd pic, the girl is wearing a glow-stick necklace - in the middle of the day! You can’t buy class like that.

Here is a pic Carla took of me hunting bogans. I had to start being really subtle after one bogan stared me down when I was taking his pic. Like the ancient Aborigines, some bogans believe when you take their picture, you capture their soul.

I had to turn my attention away from hunting bogans before long, as things started to get frisky. Here is a video Carla took of me trying to convince a girl (who was doing some very naughty dancing on a podium) to take her clothes off the only way I know how - with a fistfull of dollars!

The conversation went something like this:

Me: “Take it off honey. Can’t you see the crowd loves you. Don’t you want to be a star?”

Her: “No, I don’t want them to think I’m a trash-bag.”

Me: “Oh darling, I think that memo has already been sent.”

I turn away laughing when she says she can make a lot more than I was offering her.

But she was right. I returned soon after with some financial backing and she got a little more frisky after taking the money. Here is what my backers and I were able to achieve for the crowd:

Here is another photo that is almost awesome. Last of the Mohicans begged this girl to allow him to cool her off on the hot day, and she finally relented, whipping the crowd into a frenzy.

Our friend Ville, who is visiting from Finland, was thoroughly impressed with proceedings. He was heard to remark to Vos (add a Finnish accent): “I seem to notice that when Australian girls get drunk, they get very loose.”

Things started to get a little crazy after that, as bogans began to fight (as bogans love to do).

The police began arriving in force, leading to some mild scuffles. I tried to convince a bogan to go up to a policeman and ask him if he’s “that guy from the Village People” but this bogan wasn’t as dumb as he looked.

A big fat guy in an “I love Australia” uniform tried to calm the crowd down by singing “Advance Australia Fair” and this was a crafty play as the bogans and gingas joined in vigorously, cooling their hot tempers in song. It was a great day.

Posted in Random |

8 Responses to “Bogans LOVE Australia Day!”

8 Comments »

1. Jonny how you have yet to be beaten up is beyond me!

   Ive just arrived in Bangkok. Yeehah! Come on fellas get over here.

   Finnish fish rules!

   Comment by Chucky — January 31, 2007 @ 12:09 am

2. Hmm….this blog started as the ‘worst ever attempt at humour ” today.

   And finished off as the ‘best ever blog”.

   Im proud to be an aussie

   Now back to the photos for me…..

   Comment by poker777778 — January 31, 2007 @ 8:48 am

3. Laughing my ass off at this little gem…

   “Like the ancient Aborigines, some bogans believe when you take their picture, you capture their soul.”

   Classic stuff

   Comment by RentBoy — January 31, 2007 @ 9:45 am

4. Absolute classic. I think we should lobby to get Jonny a guest spot on a show like the Chaser!! That would be tv worth watching!

   Comment by luckyshades — January 31, 2007 @ 1:02 pm

5. I reckon I could get the job done on The Chaser. But I have some better TV idea projects:

   1. I love Wild On, but I think I could do a MUCH better job. Give me Brooke Burke and a camera crew, and TV will never be the same again.

   2. An Australian version of Jerry Springer, tentatively titlted “Jonny Vincent”. Australian home-grown material can easily be found in Inala here in Brisbane, the western suburbs of Sydney, anywhere north of Adelaide (Elizabeth and Salisbury especially) and anywhere in Ballarat.

   3. A more-funny version of The People’s Court, where I stand as judge and jury for non-legal domestic disputes, like “my girlfriend promised me a threesome if I took her to Fiji, but now she is reneging” etc…

   Comment by admin — January 31, 2007 @ 6:25 pm

6. Fuck me that was the funniest i have laughed since you told me you were losing your mind.

   Congrats yoyo you are now back @ #1 on my hero list.

   Dan

   Comment by Dan G — January 31, 2007 @ 7:30 pm

7. Jonny, this blog is modern day poetry!

   This truly is a work of a genius!

   Keep it up! It’s one of the few things I look forward to reading when I get into the office to procrastinate half the morning away.

   Comment by LeeWah — February 1, 2007 @ 8:09 am

8. ‘It’s just that I read somewhere once that gingas were born without souls.’

   They also, according to a female acquaintance, smell of milk!

   Comment by donny — December 16, 2007 @ 7:08 pm

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