Qantas is retarded - Part 2

I fell asleep with the TV on last night. This is because I’m very bright. I’m also very lazy, so every time it woke me up, I had to weigh the effort of getting up vs the chance that it would wake me up again once I fell back to sleep (the TV remote was MIA). I kept losing that coinflip.

So I woke up pretty tired and went to catch my flight back home to Brisbane, and was in joyous spirits as my taxi and then my Qantas plane took me further and further away from the Crown Joker Room. I had this same feeling leaving St. Petersburg, but at least Leningrad has many insanely hot girls. Crown has JoetheNuts. Ok, it’s probably pretty close.

After the problems I’ve had with Qantas in the past, you could be forgiven for wondering why I don’t fly Virgin. Recently, some senior (read: homely) ex-Ansett flight attendants took Virgin Blue to court over unfair hiring practices. Apparently, Virgin Blue recruitment were ‘filtering’ out homely girls through a cheeky little scoring catageory titlted “Virgin Flair”. Apparently, these senior Ansett flight attendants were lacking in Virgin Flair. THEY were likely the reason Ansett went bankrupt - but they probably blamed it on poor corporate governance or something like that and considered themselves innocent victims. Yeah right. When I’m turning tricks and having a slow night on the street playing ‘rent-boy’, I don’t blame it on a downturn in the global economy. I get home and try a new shade of makeup.

Anyway, the ridiculously empathetic Australian judicial system found in favour of the rejected flight attendants and ordered Virgin Blue to hire these ladies - like a judge knows anything about Virgin Flair. What a joke.

That’s pretty much the problem with this country. Everyone tries to do things they are not trained for. You don’t see Virgin Blue human resources staff try to hand down 47-page dissertations on native title claims. They know where their skills lie, and I thought they were doing a bang-up job.

I know Virgin’s heart was in the right place, but since the court loss, I’ve learned I have to fly Qantas. If I’m too dumb to remember to ask for a window seat, I tend to fall asleep with my knee drifting a couple of inches into the asile. Since the court loss, my knee has been badly brusied flying Virgin. It’s probably not the ex-Ansett attendants’ fault - Boeing and Airbus should probably make their aisles much bigger to allow a generous waddle. Even though a tossed salad (google it) can be a lot of fun, as a general rule, traditional salads don’t taste nearly as good as butter and there are no treadmills 7000 meters in the air. Well, not until the A-380 rolls out anyway.

I also love the free snacks on Qantas flights. I was incredibly pleased when the flight attendant woke me up for my sultanas today. I probably looked really peaceful sleeping, but I’m glad she threw caution to the wind and woke up me up for the sultanas. I would never have forgiven her if she let me sleep on. It was the middle of the day - what was I doing sleeping anyway?

Despite all this, I was in good spirits when I landed home. After half an hour at the luggage carousel, my enthusiasm began to wane just a little. After three empty cycles of the carousel without seeing my bag, I had not given up hope. But when they turned the carousel off, I started to get a little worried. I made my way to the Qantas Luggage Department, planning to give whoever was unlucky enough to be manning the stall that day a strong piece of my mind. But the little girl on duty was very disarming. She had very big personality - lots of Virgin Flair.

I told her chest my bag was missing. She was pretty funny and very nice to me, probably because she thought I had a little Virgin Flair too, though it was likely just the pleats. Or perhaps it was just my dishevelled hair and day-old growth and wrinkled face from sleeping on the plane. Whatever it was, we definitely connected. She promised to do her best to find my bag, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t just do that for everyone. I probably should have done a Zero or DanG and left with her phone number, but I was a little too preoccupied with the thought of losing my “Sorry girls, I’m gay” T-shirt, which you can ONLY get in Thailand, making it an $800 shirt (I hope Qantas has a replacement-cost policy like AAMI).

Before I left, I wondered aloud how I would replace all my bondage gear. Quick as a flash, with a smile, she replied, “Amazon?”

Despite meeting Dolly Parton in the Brisbane Airport lost baggage department, I haven’t been this depressed since I put a picture of my friend Nathan on HotOrNot.com - it backfired and he rated really highly. Who knew girls had a thing for pirates?

Posted in Random |

2 Responses to “Qantas is retarded - Part 2”

2 Comments »

1. By far your BEST work thus far…… keep it going.

   To quote you :

   ”
   I fell asleep with the TV on last night. This is because I’m very bright. ”

   well….

   Im so bright, my dad calls me son !

   Anyhoo….great great read…..

   Comment by poker777778 — January 22, 2007 @ 11:30 am

2. Hi,
   I found your blog via google by accident and have to admit that youve a really interesting blog
   Just saved your feed in my reader, have a nice day

   Comment by Florian — January 29, 2007 @ 1:01 pm

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