Bogans LOVE Australia Day!

“City boys say she fine and pretty
In the country boys say she fine and purrty.”

I’m a little sad now that Australia Day has come and gone. Australia Day is my 2nd favourite holiday! It’s almost as good as ANZAC Day, which I spend each year in the RSL taking money off old people playing Two-Up and pretending to believe WW2 auxillary forces veterans when they tell me they stormed Normandy in 1945.

I was really looking forward to Australia Day this year as the annual Cockroach Races were on at the Story Bridge Hotel here in Brisbane. But the crowd was already too big by the time we got there, and we missed the races. This was a pity, as I pretty much know more about cockroach racing than any of my friends, and I was looking forward to cleaning them out with sharp wagers. I did manage to get a picture of one of the fallen little gladiators (looking at his leg, I think it’s safe to assume number ‘37′ is NOT a lucky number):

Usually when I arrive somewhere, I search my close proximity for gingas. It’s not that I’m scared of them, it’s just that I think it’s a good idea to keep an eye on them. The first thing I noticed when arriving at the Australia Day celebrations was a complete lack of gingas. I mulled this over in my mind for some time, and came to the conclusion that gingas are unpatriotic.

I realised later that perhaps the 36 degree (Celcius) heat might have had something to do with their absence. They’re simply not built to handle the rough Queensland temperatures. Sure enough, when the sun set and the temperature cooled, the gingas came out in force. Just like vampires. It’s not that I’m trying to draw parallels between gingas and vampires - most gingas are hard-working honest citizens. It’s just that I read somewhere once that gingas were born without souls.

Mark Vos, who is definitely my favourite ginga, was a no-show early. He is DEFINITELY unpatriotic to Australia - this might have something to do with the fact that he is South African. Still, I was surprised he didn’t arrive early, as he is far tougher than your rank-and-file ginga (I once tricked Vos into sculling a ridiculously spicy chili alcoholic cocktail through a crafty scam, and he cracked me one when I was bent over laughing - I had a bruise on my back for weeks).

After watching www.highstakes.nu or “The Power of One” with wood in his panties all morning, he did eventually arrive with his girlfriend Carla, and when he did, he was accosted by his many fans. His WSOP win was reported in the local paper with the line, “A millionaire at 21 but he doesn’t have a girlfriend.” Awesome.

Fortunately for Carla, most of his adoring fans are guys. Here is a pic of some strangers who did the whole, “Oh my god! Are you Mark Vos?”

Whilst Vos was signing autographs, I became fascinated by the bogan zoo we found ourselves in. I decided to take some pictures. Check out the leopard spot outfit in the first pic - awesome. In the 2nd pic, the girl is wearing a glow-stick necklace - in the middle of the day! You can’t buy class like that.

Here is a pic Carla took of me hunting bogans. I had to start being really subtle after one bogan stared me down when I was taking his pic. Like the ancient Aborigines, some bogans believe when you take their picture, you capture their soul.

I had to turn my attention away from hunting bogans before long, as things started to get frisky. Here is a video Carla took of me trying to convince a girl (who was doing some very naughty dancing on a podium) to take her clothes off the only way I know how - with a fistfull of dollars!

The conversation went something like this:

Me: “Take it off honey. Can’t you see the crowd loves you. Don’t you want to be a star?”

Her: “No, I don’t want them to think I’m a trash-bag.”

Me: “Oh darling, I think that memo has already been sent.”

I turn away laughing when she says she can make a lot more than I was offering her.

But she was right. I returned soon after with some financial backing and she got a little more frisky after taking the money. Here is what my backers and I were able to achieve for the crowd:

Here is another photo that is almost awesome. Last of the Mohicans begged this girl to allow him to cool her off on the hot day, and she finally relented, whipping the crowd into a frenzy.

Our friend Ville, who is visiting from Finland, was thoroughly impressed with proceedings. He was heard to remark to Vos (add a Finnish accent): “I seem to notice that when Australian girls get drunk, they get very loose.”

Things started to get a little crazy after that, as bogans began to fight (as bogans love to do).

The police began arriving in force, leading to some mild scuffles. I tried to convince a bogan to go up to a policeman and ask him if he’s “that guy from the Village People” but this bogan wasn’t as dumb as he looked.

A big fat guy in an “I love Australia” uniform tried to calm the crowd down by singing “Advance Australia Fair” and this was a crafty play as the bogans and gingas joined in vigorously, cooling their hot tempers in song. It was a great day.

Posted in Random | 8 Comments »

New TV show - “Heroes” - it’s cringe time…

I was really excited about this show as the previews looked really good and one of the main characters is Hayden Panettiere, the annoying little girl from Remember the Titans all grown up and hot. Well not ALL grown up, but it’s a great start.

Unfortunately, this shows blows so hard. It’s totally retarded. Every single script-writer should be fired straight out and probably most of the other technical staff. The acting is actually ok most of the time, and you get to see Hayden Panettiere in a cheer-leading outfit.

The overall script is so retarded though. It will make you want to hurt yourself. If you were playing a drinking game where you had to shoot a nip of vodka every time the geniuses behind this show fire another clique into the script, you would be passed out 22 minutes into the pilot. And you would be happier for the next 28 minutes.

Whilst we’re letting people go, we can fire some staff at NBC too for buying a season of this crap based on the pilot, which means I can now look forward to various donkeys inevitably telling me how great this show is for the next year.

Actually, here’s a fun test for you. If you’re not sure if you are a moron (defined in this blog as: an adult with the mind of an 11-year-old) but you suspect you might be (hints include me telling you you are one, or a need to drive 30kms under the speed limit in the overtaking lane), watch this show and if you don’t get tilted, then sorry, you’re a moron. If you like this show and continue to drive, you are a bloody idiot. Do the right thing - hand in your license.

I never thought I’d get to say this about a big-budget TV show, but this is actually probably worse than ‘Lost’. I know. Hard to believe. If you are an 11-year-old child or someone that enjoys ‘Lost’, you will love this show (and you should also probably not ever have children, unless you want your children realising they are brighter than you when they are 13).

It’s actually ridiculous that ‘Gilmore Girls’ has brilliant script-writers, but a massive big-budget show like this gets the freaking ‘pass conceded’ crowd from community college.

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“The war has developed not necessarily to our advantage…”

I’ve felt the pressure of the sky falling this month with my disastrous dumping of cash during Millions and with the arrest of the NETeller founders, leading to NETeller pulling the plug on the US.

To make matters worse, my PRTY CFDs had been falling steadily from their glorious high of 37p and crashed yesterday to 28p, meaning I’ve lost around $30,000 on paper in the last fortnight I think. They crashed yesterday at the news that the US DoJ has issued subpoenas to banks that have had dealings with online poker rooms - a little witch hunt that will accomplish nothing. The US DoJ is retarded. Don’t they have better things to do?

But I think this will be the future of online poker:

Absolute Poker has moved past third-party payment processors and into processing credit card transactions. Transactions are not coded as Internet gambling transactions, and instead are processed by an outside company that appears as GLOBAL with a 1-800 number on credit card statements.

I don’t know anything about the technology the US banking industry is going to employ to track online gaming transactions after the UIGEA ‘grace period’ - but I think it will be pretty hard to stop this kind of thing.

I think the industry will prove pretty resilient. Where there is a will, there is a way, and there will always be a lot of will when there are millions or billions to be made….

Posted in Random | 9 Comments »

Contemporary Stand-up Comedy on YouTube

Mitch Hedburg - dead now but so, so funny while he lasted.

Demetri Martin - the greatest contemporary comedian in the world.

Stephen K. Amos - one of my favourite comedians. If you ever get a chance to see him in a small live show, not to be missed.

Arj Barker - stoner humour at its best.

Danny Bhoy

Posted in Random | 6 Comments »

Qantas is retarded - Part 2

I fell asleep with the TV on last night. This is because I’m very bright. I’m also very lazy, so every time it woke me up, I had to weigh the effort of getting up vs the chance that it would wake me up again once I fell back to sleep (the TV remote was MIA). I kept losing that coinflip.

So I woke up pretty tired and went to catch my flight back home to Brisbane, and was in joyous spirits as my taxi and then my Qantas plane took me further and further away from the Crown Joker Room. I had this same feeling leaving St. Petersburg, but at least Leningrad has many insanely hot girls. Crown has JoetheNuts. Ok, it’s probably pretty close.

After the problems I’ve had with Qantas in the past, you could be forgiven for wondering why I don’t fly Virgin. Recently, some senior (read: homely) ex-Ansett flight attendants took Virgin Blue to court over unfair hiring practices. Apparently, Virgin Blue recruitment were ‘filtering’ out homely girls through a cheeky little scoring catageory titlted “Virgin Flair”. Apparently, these senior Ansett flight attendants were lacking in Virgin Flair. THEY were likely the reason Ansett went bankrupt - but they probably blamed it on poor corporate governance or something like that and considered themselves innocent victims. Yeah right. When I’m turning tricks and having a slow night on the street playing ‘rent-boy’, I don’t blame it on a downturn in the global economy. I get home and try a new shade of makeup.

Anyway, the ridiculously empathetic Australian judicial system found in favour of the rejected flight attendants and ordered Virgin Blue to hire these ladies - like a judge knows anything about Virgin Flair. What a joke.

That’s pretty much the problem with this country. Everyone tries to do things they are not trained for. You don’t see Virgin Blue human resources staff try to hand down 47-page dissertations on native title claims. They know where their skills lie, and I thought they were doing a bang-up job.

I know Virgin’s heart was in the right place, but since the court loss, I’ve learned I have to fly Qantas. If I’m too dumb to remember to ask for a window seat, I tend to fall asleep with my knee drifting a couple of inches into the asile. Since the court loss, my knee has been badly brusied flying Virgin. It’s probably not the ex-Ansett attendants’ fault - Boeing and Airbus should probably make their aisles much bigger to allow a generous waddle. Even though a tossed salad (google it) can be a lot of fun, as a general rule, traditional salads don’t taste nearly as good as butter and there are no treadmills 7000 meters in the air. Well, not until the A-380 rolls out anyway.

I also love the free snacks on Qantas flights. I was incredibly pleased when the flight attendant woke me up for my sultanas today. I probably looked really peaceful sleeping, but I’m glad she threw caution to the wind and woke up me up for the sultanas. I would never have forgiven her if she let me sleep on. It was the middle of the day - what was I doing sleeping anyway?

Despite all this, I was in good spirits when I landed home. After half an hour at the luggage carousel, my enthusiasm began to wane just a little. After three empty cycles of the carousel without seeing my bag, I had not given up hope. But when they turned the carousel off, I started to get a little worried. I made my way to the Qantas Luggage Department, planning to give whoever was unlucky enough to be manning the stall that day a strong piece of my mind. But the little girl on duty was very disarming. She had very big personality - lots of Virgin Flair.

I told her chest my bag was missing. She was pretty funny and very nice to me, probably because she thought I had a little Virgin Flair too, though it was likely just the pleats. Or perhaps it was just my dishevelled hair and day-old growth and wrinkled face from sleeping on the plane. Whatever it was, we definitely connected. She promised to do her best to find my bag, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t just do that for everyone. I probably should have done a Zero or DanG and left with her phone number, but I was a little too preoccupied with the thought of losing my “Sorry girls, I’m gay” T-shirt, which you can ONLY get in Thailand, making it an $800 shirt (I hope Qantas has a replacement-cost policy like AAMI).

Before I left, I wondered aloud how I would replace all my bondage gear. Quick as a flash, with a smile, she replied, “Amazon?”

Despite meeting Dolly Parton in the Brisbane Airport lost baggage department, I haven’t been this depressed since I put a picture of my friend Nathan on HotOrNot.com - it backfired and he rated really highly. Who knew girls had a thing for pirates?

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Tournaments are retarded - Part 3

“Ain’t really no need to call you fine
I know you be hearin’ that all the time…”

Jimmy Fricke, who in my opinion, is far better-looking than Antonius, is running riot in the Main Event - he took out my boy Ville last night by calling all-in with K7o when Ville 3-bet pushed pre with 22.

The board came J-9-8-A-T and Fricke took the pot with a straight to eliminate Ville Laukkanen in 20th place with $60,000.

I know the money went in pre, but after the turn, Ville is looking so damn good to double up in a big pot. Fricken Jimmy puts his money in bad a LOT, and is knocking out players all over the place. He killed Nathan Bobik’s KK with TT, and knocked out Shaniac with an even sicker beat in a massive pot when all the money went in on a Q-high flop. Shaniac had QJ and Fricke had QT. Sick.

Ville under-performed, considering the cheer squad we formed to support him from the rail in the Vegas Bar. We remained to cheer him on in WW2-like conditions, being jostled by many people who probably could have showered before leaving their homes and we were forced to listen to many fascinating bad beat stories. I have included the best one here, as it’s too good to keep to myself:

The game is 2/3nl HE. Hero open-raises with AKo and is called in the big blind by QTs. The flop is Q-high and Hero c-bets and is called. The turn and river are both checked and Villian wins a massive pot. So sick.

Downing was exposed to the enemy flank on the rail (I was smart enough to protect myself behind a table). Downing was under solid jostling fire, and came off 2nd best in a tangle with a lady that probably could have skipped the desert bar at Sizzler last night and not wasted away from starvation - she made Jimmy Fricke look SVELTE. Poor Downing went down hard from his high stool, winding himself in the process. To the casual observer, it might have looked a lot like a (delayed) stage dive, but I can assure you it was nothing but a standard accident in a war-zone. These things happen.

Despite our disappointment in Ville getting eliminated in 20th place, he still picked up $60,000 - which is worth celebrating. We had a big night planned, but were detained in Vos’ room with various forms of gambling occurring. Downing and Adam Weiss were having some fun short-stacking 25/50nl and some 5/10plo. Downing was owning his opponents with a number of very slick moves - he slow-rolled AA after typing “hmmm” in the chatbox and then min-raising after a limper. pwned.

Vos was killing everyone is coinflip games and I went down a quick thousand to him before staging a magnificent comeback playing skill games. I can’t beat Vos in coinflips but, with the assistance of valuable team member Perry Friedman from Full Tilt, and the financial backing of Dimock and later Marcus Collins, we were able to steamroll Vos for a large amount. Vos kept trying to get us to martingale of course, but we are FAR too smart for that.

The damage was done playing Russian for $100 a point and this other game Vos invented in Fiji. We each get 15 cards and you have to make your best five 3-card poker hands, ranked from strongest to weakest. Perry was very, very good at this game, providing the bulk of our technical advantage, whilst I helped with the obvious spots and trash-talked and taunted Mark in the meantime. Perry even helped out with the trash-talking, throwing in some well-timed momma jokes. It was a very effective and, admittedly, quite a good-looking partnership.

As the NETeller founders just bent over the entire US poker-playing public by being too dumb to move out of the continental US, a large % of Full Tilt’s (theorectical) value was wiped out yesterday. Perry offered to sell me his shares in Full Tilt for $100, but I told him he was dreaming. I offered him a 6-pack and a tenner, but negotiations broke down when he asked me to continue the discussion with him in his room “over a bottle of champagne”. Yeah right, Perry - I wasn’t born tomorrow. I’ve fallen for THAT one before…

Miranda Kerr once invited me into her hotel room to “discuss her career”. Much to my chagrin, it quickly became clear that she was not, in the slightest bit, interested in discussing her career. She seemed more interested in discussing whether my pectorial muscles were perfectly formed or not (for the record, Miranda thought they were, but I think they could use a little more definition on the lower outside quadrants). No, business is best discussed OUT of the hotel room, in my opinion Perry.

Posted in Live Tournaments | 4 Comments »