Vos gets smashed on Full Tilt

Vos came around today to interrupt my relaxing day of watching Entourage season 3, and begged me to play Russian with him. Normally I wouldn’t interrupt a planned lazy day to gamble, but Vos is a massive Russian fish (I once took 3k off him in an hour playing $250 a point) and I could use the AUD for January.

I was quickly up $500 (expected) and Vos was playing some play money on Full Tilt at the same time as he likes grinding out there. He was complaining about being under-bankrolled for play money, and was tilting and playing laggy. Some funny chat ensued:

Ultimagama: That’s why I play this game…
ThrilaInManila (Observer): mark keeps losing!
UnableTObeREaD: he doesn’t care lol
UnableTObeREaD: he’s a pro
UnableTObeREaD: this is nothing for him

The last line is basically the reason for this blog entry.

Posted in Random | 4 Comments »

Donk bettors make me hurt stuff…

I haven’t been playing a great deal last few days (just haven’t really felt like it) but managed to get in a few short sessions here and there, totalling about 2000 hands. I’ve been running pretty good over these short sessions, but lost a $4000 pot to a runner-runner higher full after flopping a set which sucked. How people manage to get 2000 in on turned trips with a 2 kicker at 5/10nl I’ll never understand, but I guess that’s why a donk like me can win. 4k pots don’t come along very often at 5/10, so it sucks to lose once you’ve gotten a double-stack in way good.

I’ve been playing pretty laggy post-flop lately just for fun, so that might have something to do with it. In this hand below, I represent the flush to a donk-bettor, and then miss out on a few hundred by not value-betting the river. A better player than me bets this river I think, but I was just happy to check behind and cross my fingers after really getting my money in bad on the turn. Whether my logic was good or not is unknown, but I pretty much narrowed his hand range down to A7 or A3 after the turn action. This opponent runs at 47/14 and 3-bets a fair amount, so AK pretty much ruled out. He has to have a pair to call the flop, and then he fires a weak bet on the Ace - he’s pretty aggressive post-flop and would check-raise a flopped set. I really think I should of value-bet the river. What do you think? He’s DEFINITELY bad enough to call off a few hundred.

I hate donk-bettors so much - they tilt me so hard. I don’t think I’ll ever understand their logic, unless they’re planning to induce - I really don’t understand the donk-bettors that donk out small and then call a big raise - wtf? Seriously, if you want to induce a bluff out of me or tilt me hard, just donk-bet into me after calling a street or two. I will pop you - I feel compelled to. A force I simply can’t control will MAKE me raise you, regardless of what I have.

$5/$10 Blinds No Limit Hold’em - *** 12 30 02:52:44 2006
Table Poker Crack (Real Money)
Seat 2 is the button
Total number of players : 6
Seat 1: Cutoff ( $2454.36 )
Seat 2: Button ( $1026 )
Seat 3: SB ( $1383 )
Seat 4: BB ( $325 )
Seat 5: UTG ( $1203 )
Seat 6: Hero ( $985 )
SB posts [$5].
BB posts [$10].
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to Hero [ 5s 5d ]
UTG folds
Hero raises [$36].
Cutoff folds.
Button folds.
SB calls [$31].
BB calls [$26].
** Dealing Flop ** [ Kh, 7d, 3d ]
SB checks.
BB checks.
Hero bets [$76].
SB calls [$76].
BB folds.
** Dealing Turn ** [ Ad ]
SB bets [$60].
Hero raises [$261].
SB calls [$201].
** Dealing River ** [ Kd ]
SB checks.
Hero checks.
** Summary **
SB shows [ 7s As ].
Hero shows [ 5s 5d ].
Hero collected [$778].

Posted in Online Cash | No Comments »

“Babe Factor”

One of my many fans (I have 3) requested more “babe factor” in my blog. Now, normally I would laugh at the idea that someone else was telling me ways to improve my blog, but I did realise he had a valid point. Steve, this is for you, my friend:

If they let me bring a camera into Spearmint Rhino’s of the world, this site would probably have nothing BUT “babe factor” - but considering the fact that if I had the choice to play Johnny Lodden at 50/1 with someone else’s money or sleep with Jessica Alba, I would play Lodden. This is not to say I don’t think Jessica Alba isn’t hot, its just that I might last an hour with Lodden with 100bb’s and perhaps only a minute with Alba (it would be the best minute of her life though, and I think she knows that).

I did go out last night with my friend Jell and her her sick joke hot boyfriend. Here is the lovely couple below:

Ahahah - got you suckers! Everyone who looked and thought, “damn, he IS hot!” - you got punked. Cause that’s me in the photo - don’t worry, it can be our little secret.

As the boyfriend is way sick hotter and cooler than me, no photos of him today - maybe next time, if someone requests it. A female reader perhaps, or DanG. Jell’s boyfriend and Capt ZEEbo are probably good friends - they probably sit around and talk about what’s it like being so awesome. That’s what I would do if I was them.

Anyway, Jell fell asleep on the floor of my living room, and this is what happens to people who fall alseep in my house when I’m bored:

It suddenly became very important to me to discover how many matchsticks I could fit up her nostril. For anyone wondering, the answer is 10. I should have stopped at 8, but I was drunk with power, and I think you’ll all agree it was worth the risk to reach 10. I know she appreciated my bravery. But next time I’ll stop at 8.

I have to go lose some money at 5/10 now, but one last, special gift for all of you - this girl’s name is Lani and that’s all you get to know about her.

Posted in Random | 8 Comments »

Capt Zeebo (The Riparian)

I’ll admit that the main reason I started my blog was so that I could tell people that my blog and Johnny Lodden’s blog were both done up by the same people, which makes me cool. This story has the added benefit of being true which, if you talk to the haters, is a rare thing for me. It’s not like I’m in LOVE with Johnny Lodden - I just want to marry him and have his babies.

But then I started liking my blog and having some fun with it. People always ask me for really annoying favours like “jonny can you please shut the fridge door after using it” (flatmate) and I’d be like “sure thing - but you have to read my blog” or “jonny what are you doing this weekend?” and I’d be like “I’ll tell you, but only after you answer these test questions about my blog”. Stuff like that.

Yes, I was now a blogfag. And loving it.

In last week since I set up my blog, people have been telling me I should swap links with other blogfags and, apparently, this helps our SEO. I don’t know squat about that, but I did think it was a good idea to look at other blogs, just to make sure no one’s was as awesome hot as mine.

So I had a smoke, poured a warm glass of cognac, and set down to study the competition.

And then I got really depressed.

The first blog I looked at (friend’s recommendation) was captZEEbo’s Poker Palace

Capt ZEEbo plays as The Riparian on Full Tilt. PokerBok has been in love with him since we were small children, and normally this would be a good reason for me NOT to care for The Riparian at all. Although Vos and I now share the same opinion of Amanda from PokerWire, and I thank Vos for that.

Anyway, my official opinion on Capt ZEEbo is that he rocks. You can quote me on that. His blog is so awesome, it makes my lame blog look…well…somewhat lame.

At first I hated Capt ZEEbo for being so good, and setting the bar so high, but then I realised its not Capt ZEEbo’s fault he’s so damn good at poker and blogs. I can’t hate him just because he’s awesome, can I?

I sent an email to Capt ZEEbo asking him if I could be his friend. He hasn’t replied yet, but I’m refreshing my inbox occasionally, like every 4 seconds, but I fear that Capt ZEEbo will quickly read me for what I really am - flatout unworthy. A small part of me hopes this will be the case, for if Capt ZEEbo was my friend, I would instantly lose respect for him and he would stop being God. I have this same problem with girls I pick up - they look so hot dancing in their short skirts and low-cut jeans and funky hairstyles, but the minute they talk to me I’m like “hey if you’re so cool, why you talking to me? don’t talk to me loser.” The logic makes sense, don’t fight it.

Maybe Capt ZEEbo would be my friend if I didn’t play 16/11…god why did you make me such a loser??? I just want to be cool goddammit.

I don’t know why you’re still reading this - every second you WASTE reading my blog is time you could spend reading Capt ZEEbo’s blog. You should start with the introduction, and then read:
- The Biggest Pot of My Life
- September Results

…and then read them all. Once you’re done, start at the bottom, and read them all again (that’s what I’m doing).

Anyway, I’m about to go to sleep, because I’ve been crying a little and crying always makes me tired. I’m going to dream about Capt ZEEbo and how awesome he is, instead of my normal dreams of saving Natalie Portman’s life from a sick stalker, and then she falls in love with me, and then we live happily ever after, just eating avocadoes (I love avacadoes), sleeping and looking so hot right now together.

Anyway, I’m not sure if I’ll ever post again - I haven’t decided. Maybe it’s for the best. I could have gone through life thinking my blog was the best blog ever and, in reality, the best blog in history was only one click away. And I’ve only read two blogs in my life, Capt ZEEbo’s and mine. I haven’t even started on the millions of other ones - maybe there is one even better than Capt ZEEbo’s…?

Hahah nah, got carried away a bit there. No way that can happen. No one is THAT good.

Anyway, I know I promised myself to Johnny Lodden, and I could just be drunk on the cognac, but I think if someone held a gun to my head and I had to choose between Lodden or The Riparian, I would probably go with The Riparian. He would need to shave his beard off though - I’m not into beards. In a perfect utopian world, there would be room for both Lodden and The Riparian, if Capt ZEEbo was cool with that. I think he would be.

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A character reference - by Gofor

Gofor is a funny guy from Adelaide who used to run the South Australian Poker Association down there, where I played some of my first poker, usually after a big weekend bender (the poker game was Sunday evenings every week).

Gofor’s sexual orientation is unconfirmed. Not that there is anything wrong with anything. I just feel that any readers deserve all the facts, regardless of how apparently irrelevant those facts may appear to the matter at hand.

Upon hearing I had a blog, Gofor BEGGED me to give him a chance to be a guest writer on my blog, even offering to pay me for the privilege.

Obviously, I informed him that my blog is basically written crack, and that I can’t just give any old hack a guest writing spot. He refused to leave me alone though, and I realised that, if I were to get any peace today, I would need to give him a chance, at least.

“Have 500 words on my desk by COB today - but I’ll only publish if your stuff gets me high”, I bellow at him, in the way I’d imagine an editor under deadline stress would bellow (’bellow’ is a cool word and, IMO, it isn’t used often enough). He then has to nerve to ask me what he should write about. I tell him to write about whatever he wants, and to “leave me the hell alone dammit”. Some people….

He decided to write a character reference for me, he said. Below you will find his submission. The writing is average, it’s only about 6% true, I didn’t get high but I got a little buzz. You know, like when you took your first sip of Passion Pop when you were 14.

He threatened that, unless I posted it, he would tell the police that I, you know, “touched him” - and South Australian police are not the brightest of foot soldiers, and its highly likely they couldn’t afford to get here to Brisbane on their budget, but I thought it was better to be safe than sorry. Besides, no one will read it anyway, I figure.

It’s incredibly rude, offensive, the language used will make a sailor blush, it’s full of lies (with some cute truths thrown in - I did try to avoid my blinds, but only because other people were doing it, and I did once get out of a speeding fine by convincing the police officer I was applying for the SA Police Academy), and if you read it, you are almost guaranteed to be either offended or bored. Proceed at your risk!

——-

A Character Reference for YoYo
- by Glen Gofor (poker777778 on PNW)

To many of you, YoYo is the 200k a year PLUS pro with ooodles of potential. Well spoken, suave, arrogant as all fuck and the results to back it all up. You know him as the guy who gets paid thousands to consult on casino’s and the like - the guy who wins 14 WSOP seats - all for free - has more opinions than a hat full of assholes and a wang that most women would not only die for, but pay for the privilege to be turkey slapped with.

Yes, the all conquering YoYo is on a crest of a wave - riding that hire-purchased surf board all the way to the sand…day after day after day - each day more successful than the last - the envy of all the shit poker players from the 80’s and the idol of all the newbie net geeks, and the laughingstock of anyone who can actually play the game.

But do you REALLY know this imposter of poker…? Do you REALLY know the child beneath the man??

I do.

And I’m here to expose his boney ass to the world in his own BLOG.

You see, I first got a call from this wannabe back in October of 2001. He was a young upstart - the type that you know once you beat up will come back for more and more until you just get bored and take ‘em for a beer.

The call came on a Monday night:

“I hear you run a poker game - is it legal? Whats the buy-in? Who are the players? Are they like…tight aggressive? Do i wear jeans or shorts? Is there food? What do i do when i got wired kings…? I just saw Rounders and thought I would use that term…”

Yadda yadda fukn yadda.

This jail bait cherub turns up to the game filled with seasoned Manila pros and mouths off from DAY ONE.

He is telling stories of his airforce lifestyle and his 5 hours a night grinding at $1/$2 LIMIT Hold’em at this cool new site called “Party Poker”.

He is 20 odd k in debt, working 4 jobs, and avoiding his ONCE per round SINGLE $5 blind EVERY round…to the chagrin of everyone in the room who wants to kill this bloke - who is one sore ass away from a prison cell.

He challenges authority at this game - even ex-world Karate champs with his incessant ability to correct all on all things Vincent…a bigger wanker its hard to meet.

Countless tales of insignificant bullshit exude from his young mouth….air force space…..run-in’s with non-existent cops who are convinced by him that he LOOKS UP TO THEM and wants to BE A COP and gets out of fines for pissin in the street.

A class act? Some believe so….what with his plagiaristic quotes of all writers who ever graced a fag’s library like “We are all in the gutter…but some of us are lookin at the stars” and copying rubbish quotes in Latin that his NEW idol ( master ) taught him whilst he multi-tabled at Paradise Poker to pay the rent.

Its obvious this guy couldnt play a hand of poker to save his life.

He is either an exclusive gigolo for high court judges in toilet blocks near you…or involved in a drug cartel…where his lower intestine is constantly filled with class-A substances Pacino would be jealous of.

Impressed by YOYO?

You f**king wish , jellyfish. Not since the Baptist minister of the deep south Bible Belt have we seen a more successful conman, carnival hustler, and downright illegitimate son of poker.

More power to him…if you buyin what he is sellin…then you just part of the problem…not the solution.

Fuck you and this blog, YoYo.

Stick your neteller and paypal accounts and your never ending HH’s and +EV and talking down of poker legends such as:

*** Steve Jones

*** the FIDDLA

*** boxer shorts

We all know the REAL you now…..hope you choke on your cognac and get caught surfing porn by VOS when you’re meant to be multi-tabling for him under his ID at Full Tilt so he can improve his hourly rate.

This blog makes me sick and i intend to ditch my computer - to the delight of all - after i send this trash to you

Good afternoon everyone. Have a lovely day!

Posted in Random | 4 Comments »

Sparticus gets punked!

This is a little tribute to a classic prank devised by my mate Scotty and his friend.

The victim in this prank is a funny little kid named Sparticus (can’t remember his real name - something boring like Andrew - Sparticus is much better).

Sparticus left his room for an hour so Scotty and his friend (in the picture) decided to gladwrap his room. Now, I’ve actually gladwrapped a friend’s car before, but this is much, much better.

Here is the final product:

Posted in Random | 4 Comments »